â€œWhat is the shortest word in the English language that contains the letters: abcdef? Answer: feedback. Don’t forget that feedback is one of the essential elements of good communication.â€
It is kind of a relief.
It saddens me but at the same time relieves me.
This no contact order.
Now that my daughter has officially said she wishes no contact with me I feel somehow lightened. I could have assumed that. For two years she ignored every birthday wish, every Christmas greeting, every comment on her blog or tweet reply.Â I should have assumed but I did not. I wanted HER to make the rules. I did not want to assume I knew them.
Now I know.
Through my five years of reunion I just wanted feedback. What should I do or not do? Was she like other adoptees who could not verbalize? Did she not feel capable of asking for something? Should I be lighthearted or heavy? Should I say nothing or everything? Was she patronizing me? Throwing me a bone of her life with the hopes it would be enough for me and I would just go away? Did she want to know her medical history? Get her OBC? Want to know her story? Her first family?
Answering questions like this and many many more is impossible when the other party to your reunion gives you no feedback.Â You stumble. You grasp. You flail. You cry a lot. You worry a lot. You assume and presume and resume and you say the wrong things and sometimes you say the right things. But you never know for sure.
There is no reply at all.
So your anxiety builds and you question and chase your own tail.
Maybe? Should I? Did I? How do I? Can I?Â Round and round you go.
Finally it has come to a halt for me. Now I know the rules. Now I officially know what she expects of me. Nothing. Just go away.
Is it what I wanted?Â Not at all.
But this I can work with. This I know how to handle.
And I feel okay with it. I told her I love her, I always will and that I welcome contact from her at any time. And I mean it.
I am good with this.
Now I know the rules.