Rock and a Hard Place

"History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again."  – Maya Angelou

I am going to have find a way.

I simply must

I am 1/3 of my way through my presentation prep for AAC.  Not surprisingly, I was able to get to the point of my pregnancy just before the agency getting involved, my parents finding out and my being sent away to Chicago.

I am stuck.

I am likely stuck for at least two reasons.

The most obvious is that it hurts like hell to go there in my mind. Hurts even more so put that to paper. I think I would rather have tooth picks stuck under my finger nails.

I know I will do it. I simply must. But oh, the getting there just ain't easy.

The second reason is that part of me really really really really wanted to share this story with my daughter before I shared it with the world. I wanted to her to care. I wanted her to inquire. I wanted her to know.

It saddens me that strangers care more about what happened to me and my daughter than she does.

Yes, one can argue that she might indeed, that it might be subconscious to her, and that might be true. But I cannot live in "might" and "could be" or "should be". I must live in NOW.

And NOW, today, tomorrow, I need to honor my commitment to Margie, to AAC, to those vulnerable mothers that may be future victims of adoption agencies, baby brokers and prospective adopters. I need to tell this story. I need to do my part to stop the insanity.

And yet I cannot stop wishing, wanting, hoping for my daughters approval somehow.

I am not telling her story in the sense that it is post reunion or her reactions. It is entirely mine up to surrender. It is the story of my life. My trauma. My choices. BUT, those choices in my life are entwined with hers. How to separate the threads?

I just really wish she could know the story before I tell others, even in an abridged format.

: (

4 Thoughts.

  1. Suz, I don’t want you to go to a place that is this challenging – I think you can convey the pain without putting yourself through it again.
    I’m worried about you … Let’s talk this week for sure.

  2. She might not ever “really” care, even if she does somehow “care” subsciously.
    However, you can still prevent more pain from coming. You still have a voice.
    You can do this.

  3. Mei Ling – Thanks for the support. It is appreciated. Particularly from a voice as strong and clear as yours.

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