Where I Am At With All of This

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I had a good session with my therapist during which I told him I had decided to cease writing in this blog for a bit and had pulled back from some other adoption related works.  I suggested that on the surface this might appear to be avoidant behavior, I did not feel that was necessarliy the case.

He agreed.

He suggested that perhaps for some time I had been looking externally for a source of healing and that now I am looking internally. I am inclined to agree. I had hoped for a long time that finding my daughter would make me feel better. It did but it didnt.

I had hoped that meeting her might make me feel better. That dream has not been realized.

I had hoped that her writing me, wanting to be part of my life would make me feel better. It did but it didnt.

I further hoped that helping others would make me feel better. Sometimes it did.  Yet the highs were short lived, rather like retail therapy.  Even with the knowledge that my friendship, my words, my thoughts helped someone else, that knowledge did little to help me personally  in the long term.

And now I look inward, deeper and wider than I have in years past.   And in the spirit of my favorite poem of late, I save myself. For my life is truly the only life I can save.

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

2 Thoughts.

  1. Suz, you’re an amazing woman, one I’m very proud to know.
    I can see why this poem moves you. It’s beautiful, very strong, and makes me think of you when I read it.
    Huge (((((((hugs)))))))

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