Desperately Seeking Suzan

"It is your world. Shape it or someone else will" – Gary Lew

I thought I gave warning.

Apparently not.

Please note I am going to be password protecting this blog for a bit. I am not going to write here. You wont be missing anything. I don't want to delete it. I may clean it up. May blurb it. May change the layout or delete some posts.

I just need a break. I don't know how to do this without locking it down and typepad only allows me to password protect my entire site – not just certain posts. (Which is one reason why I moved my NAR blog to WordPress)

I am having a really rough time. This time is matched only by the time immediately following the loss of my daughter in 1986. I don't know what the trigger is. I don't know the source. I just know that I am struggling.

When I am struggling like this comments from angry adoptees that don't even know me, who call me a jerk and mock me and call me names with thinly disguised contempt, I struggle.  I understand adoptees are angry and hurt but I am not THEIR mother and I will not be the stand in for her. I dont deserve it. I will not tolerate being hated for what I represent to someone, for what I am versus who I am.  I dont deserve it.

When adoptive moms tell me I really need help with my anger, hatred and hurt, I am brought down, not up.  It is so easy for those that benefitted from the sale of our children to tell us what to feel.  Walk in my shoes, feel my empty womb and broken heart and then tell me how I should handle my pain.

I need a break.

Yes, it is true the time to write my daughter is fast approaching. Yes, it is true I am incredibly anxious and worried about this. It is also the time of year that my life fell apart in 1985. The time of year when my life as I knew it, the person I was and was intended to be, was forever indelibly changed. A few weeks from now, only twenty years ago, I was packing my bags to head off to a maternity home. I ignored this time in years past. I focused on the holidays. I pretended the pain wasnt there.

It is there. It has been there. It was always there. Ignoring it only gives it more power.  I am done with that.

I am not doing well. I feel angry and weepy and sad and more.

Unlike in years past, I am not going to ignore this. I am not going to say its okay or normal or to be expected or other. I am not going to sweep it under the rug and pretend it is not there. I am going to embrace it and work through it. The only way out is through.

However, to do this, to embrace this pain, I need to focus less on it – or at least certain parts of it. This may sound odd but it is true. I need to focus on joy and that which brings me joy. Rarely does writing about adoption trauma bring me joy. I enjoy writing. I enjoy being told people enjoy my writing. I dont enjoy writing about adoption.

I need to continue to see my therapist and delve deeper into the emotions that plague me. I cannot do all this and blog here.

I feel an responsibility to my friends, my readers and and visitors. It is my nature. I am a helper, particularly to the misunderstoodd, maligned, hurt, aching and abused. I blog with the goal of helping others -  not necessarily myself. That is very wrong.

I must help myself now.

Hang in there with me.

Will password protect in a day or so.  Will likely be back at some point. Perhaps after the new year. Hopefully with new, fresh, positive content.

I welcome emails at bluestokking at gmail dot com or a random NAR comment on my other blog.

Happy Holidays.

31 Thoughts.

  1. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. You’ve done so much with this blog and I’m grateful to have been a reader but I value YOU above all and look forward to all you can do when you’ve taken the time to take care of yourself. (Ummm, I can’t figure out your other blog, either, so if you perhaps maybe want to shoot the info my way, I would love it and even if not, I so look forward to meeting you this spring — you have no idea.)

  2. You know my thoughts from FB; I completely understand. Whatever time you need, use it to be good to yourself.

  3. You need to take care of yourself first. Thank you for just “being.” Will see you soon. Good thoughts are with you.

  4. SUZ: I understand truly your need to get some mending done. But I selfishly will miss not reading you each day. I am not very good at finding you somewhere else so I will have to wait for you to come back to us. Take care of you and the boys.
    Happiness to all

  5. I’ll miss you…was still hoping to meet you in the near future, but totally get it. Please take care of yourself, and enjoy your beautiful boys.

  6. you will be missed. i have been reading this blog for what seems like forever. you have been so helpful to so many for a long time. now it is time to help suz.
    a poem for you from one of my favorite poets . . . Rod McKuen
    Clouds are not
    the cheeks of angels
    you know
    they’re only clouds.
    Friendly sometimes,
    but you can never be sure.
    If I had longer arms
    I’d push the clouds away
    or make them hang
    above the water
    somewhere else,
    but I’m just a man
    who needs and wants,
    mostly things he’ll never have.
    Looking for that thing
    that’s hardest to find —
    I’ve been going
    a long time now
    along the way
    I’ve learned some things.
    You have to make
    the good times yourself
    take the little times
    and make them into big times
    and save the times
    that are allright
    for the ones
    that aren’t good
    I’ve never been able
    to push the clouds away
    by myself.
    Help me.

  7. Take care, Suz, and know and believe that it is okay to take a time out from this stuff and necessary to take care of yourself. Maybe that’s where you start right now – giving yourself credit for recognizing and attending to your needs. No one can really be there for the others in their lives if they don’t take care of themselves first.
    I enjoy reading your blog and hope to “see” you next year. It will all be okay.

  8. I recently did something very similar on my other adoption blog. I couldn’t take the pressure of feeling more obligated to “them” rather than “me” – which was the point of the blog in the first place.
    I know my words are just that – words. But I want to thank you. You helped me understand the amount of pain my mother likely went through.
    And good job for realizing that you need to take care of YOU.

  9. Suz;
    I really enjoy reading your blog. However,I have worried about you burning out. I am very glad you are taking time away to work on things. I truly wish you well. I hope you can find some peace in your heart. Perhaps we will meet in the spring too.

  10. I am an adoptive mother who enjoys reading this blog. I may not always agree with you but I learn from yur blog and will miss reading it.
    I have respect for what you write and enjoy your intellectual aspect.

  11. Many ((Hugs)) to you Suz. It is most important to do self care!!
    I will miss your writings, of course. You offer great wisdom to me. And, I completely understand. In fact I had shut down my blog for a few (days).
    If u need anything… let me know.
    Take good care of you!

  12. I wish you all the best. It takes vast amounts of courage to walk through the pain, there will be healing and vast amounts of love on the other side. If you want to reach out I am not far away. Hugs and love, Nancy

  13. Suz, totally understand.
    You will be missed, but your main responsibility is to yourself, not us (your readers).
    If and when you come back, and when you’re ready for readers, let me know.
    Love to you.

  14. Hmmm, not sure if that last comment went through?
    If not–will miss you but I understand. Keep in touch via Facebook or something, okay?

  15. I’m proud of you Suz, it is so hard to embrace the pain of adoption. Push for your breakthrough and then I hope you write a book you are such a gifted writer. You have made a huge impact on the darker side of adoption coming to light. THANK YOU SUZ!!!

  16. I have been reading your blog forever, and you have really helped me in so many ways. I am an adoptee, I am a birthmom and you have gotten me through some really tough times. This is my first time posting but I think what you do is help others so much and I cannot thank you enough! I will be thinking of you and wish you the best! You really have helped me!
    God Bless,

  17. Suz, I will definitely email you as I’ll miss reading from you. I understand your decision and support you completely. I hope you don’t mind if I contact you if things get harder for me in the coming weeks. (((Hugs)))

  18. I absolutely understand and support you, Suz.
    I’ll be thinking of you and following you on FB. Take good care of yourself; no one deserves your attention more than you do, you know.

  19. i support you 100 percent. i began my new blog in order to blog about other things besides adoption. i left it open to blog about it if i do what you need to do for yourself, without anyone elses criticism or approval.i for one,benefit from your blog and will happily wait as long as you want for new posts. Hang in there. I cant think of anyone else more deserving of a break then you Suz.

  20. i understand (as much as i can) and completely support you, Suz. Good for you for taking care of you.
    i hate trolls, and even more so on your blog because it’s quite obvious if they bothered to get to know or listen to you at all, they would probably realize how misdirected their lashing out is.
    Anyways, this angry adoptee feels for you and loves you very much! take care, Suz.
    <3 R.

  21. Your blog is an insightful one for me, due to some family history of adoption (my mother’s). I don’t comment because I’m really shy but I was sad to see it go. But I understand your need to protect yourself. I don’t know what the NAR blog so so I look forward to your return here. I truly hope things get better for you.

  22. Hard to believe any adoptee would disparage you if they knew your story. It takes all kinds, I guess.
    (from another angry adoptee)

  23. “I am not going to write here. You wont be missing anything.”
    Are you completely sure of that?
    Gary Lew

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