Dear Friend

“If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go
beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to
relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need
to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time.
It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up.” – Deepak Chopra

I am sorry I have been avoiding you, my friend. You wrote me to ask for advice and suggestions on what to do with your difficult reunion.

I have not answered you. I haven't even confirmed receipt of your message.

I just don't know what to say.

I am no expert, no sage, no oracle of wisdom. I am just another hurt, grieving mother like you. I have no advice and yet I want to offer you something.

I ache for you I do. You know I do.

I want to help but I cannot. There is nothing I can do or say that will make you feel any better. (And if I had magic fairy reunion dust, I suspect I would have used it all on myself. Don't hate me for that).

There is no way I can help you or influence your child to suddenly want to care about you and have a relationship with you.

Clearly I have my own issues there.

I can tell you that I understand. I can tell you that if you were standing in my living room right now with me as I write this I would reach, pull you close, hug you, let you cry and tell you I understood as my own tears ran down the back of your shirt. After we stopped crying, I would make you coffee, or give you one of the butterfinger candy bars currently sitting on my coffee table. We would talk and cry for hours.

I am sorry I have not answered you.

Some times, there are days when I just cannot take the pain adoption causes so many of us. I cannot stand in the center of the fire all day every day. Some days I do get burned.

I can tell you this and I can tell you I believe it wholeheartedly.

 Take care of YOU. No one took care of you when you needed help. You must do it now. Respect you. Value you. Trust your feelings and instincts. You matter. Your feelings matter. They and you always did. Don't believe those (and that includes your child) that tell you that you don't matter. You do. You matter to me (if you didn't would I feel so bad about avoiding you the last week or two?). Surely you matter to others as well. Stay away from the haters. Find healthier people to talk to. Find balanced people. Find friends who respect you, validate your trauma and don't need to minimize yours by elevating their own. There is a phrase, a photo, on my facebook that I adore. I will paste it here. Refer to it when you are feeling down about adoption. Go find people who make you feel better not worse. You don't deserve to be punished. Please don't punish yourself.

You may never have that relationship with your child (as I may never have one with my daughter). You will always have your relationship with yourself. Take care of you. If your child finds the ability to share their life with you, you will have a wonderful You to share with them. If they don't, you will still have a wonderful you.  Isn't that wonderful?

Be kind to you and know that I will write you in a day or so.

And hang in there my friend. I will write soon. Really I will.

5 Thoughts.

  1. Suz, you are an amazing supporter of so many in adoption. I don’t know how you do it, living with your own trauma (not to mention a full life of holding a full-time job and raising two boys!) and yet making time for others. I encourage you to take more time for yourself, as you have advised me. Do not burn yourself out by taking on too much. Sending you love and light. D.

  2. When I read things like this it just saddens me no end, indeed it makes me weep.
    As you weep for your daughter, and your friend that you can not answer as yet, weeps for her child, I sit here on the other side of the world weeping for my Mother who sits on the opposite side of the world to me, for she does not want to know me.
    Why is it like this ?
    Why cant it be that I was your daughter ? (forgetting ages atm 😛 )
    I want my mother, you want your daughter, your friend wants her child…
    But they are not wanting reunion with you, and my mother does not want it with me
    Why is Karma so f*cked up

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