Getting in touch with your true self must be your first priority. – Tom Hopkins
It never ever ceases to amaze me how when I am at my lowest, when I want to run and hide again under the bad whore birth mother rock, people come out of the woodwork and make me feel loved and supported and understood.
Thank you to those that wrote me here and privately and offered support and understanding. Thank you to those that did not say "oh, your being stupid, silly, ridiculous" or tell me to "get over it". Thank you for truly seeing, and respecting, the depth of my conflict.
Interesting turns of events in relation to this topic. Not only did I receive wonderful thoughts here but a coworker and my therapist gave me further inspiration.
A member of my team, a male a few years older than me, googled me without my knowledge. Naturally he discovers my adoption trauma experience and my views on adoption in general. He has the kindness and decency to tell me about his acts and discovery and we discuss it in some length one night this week at work. We had a nice chat. He gets it. He sees it. He understands it. He was supportive. Complimentary and insightful. Thank you Michael. I left work that day feeling hopeful and inspired and with a smile on my face. Validation and acceptance is a wonderful thing.
Yesterday I saw my therapist. We had an intense session and we covered lots of this material here, some stuff on PTSD, a nightmare I had (that has recurring themes), my daughter and my conflict of my needs versus hers. Again, lots of intense stuff to cover in an hour and quite a few tears shed. As I left him and scheduled an appt for next week he says that I am doing great. That this is really tough stuff and that the more I handle it the less my daughter will have to. That last sentiment hit me in the gut. So very true. I feel strongly that my pain is not my daughters pain. It was not caused by her and she cannot fix it. I dont want her to feel she is a bandaid for wound she did not cause. I want her to be her. I want to hear her laugh and smile and giggle and enjoy her life – not feel burdeneed by mine. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable with me or that her being in my life makes me emotionally bleed. I cannot just tell her that. For one, I already have and my sense is that she doesn't believe me. There is much to this but the bottom line is that I do need to continue to speak out, I do need to talk, share and get through this – for me and for her.
If I get rid of this ache in my heart there will be more room for us both.