â€œAs a principle-centered person you try to stand apart from the emotion of the situation and from other factors that would act on you, and evaluate the options. Looking at the balanced whole–the work needs, the family needs, the other needs that may be involved, and the possible implications of the various alternatives — you'll try to come up with the best solution taking all factors into consideration. We are limited but we can push back the borders of our limitations.â€ – Stephen R. Covey
I have recently been presented with a number of opportunities to partake in more public displays of adoption lack of affection. What I mean is that I have been asked to speak more publicly at a few events and even partake in a project that will likely end up being a very professional documentary on the horrors of adoption and what it does to mothers.
I haven't agreed to do so.
This may be shocking to some considering my views and outspoken nature. It is somewhat shocking to me yet, to me, also understandable.
Again, I am not hiding my status as a mother scarred by the loss of her child from anyone in my family, on the Net, and in most forums.
Yet I hesitate to take the next step and open the door a bit wider.
And I hesitate due to my daughter.
It feels to me that she dislikes my involvement in all things adoption. She dislikes that she is part of my "social campaign" for justice. (Oddly, if she did not exist I wouldn't be in this campaign. It is rather hard to "not" involve her in some way if even by reference only.) I feel as though she would prefer if I was one of those silent types that would just grin and bear it and behave like a "proper" birth mother.
I feel she is ashamed of me and wishes I was someone other than who I am.
It is very important to note that just because I FEEL it does not make it fact. My truths do not necessarily equate to hers. I feel these things based on the very limited dialog she and I have had and that dialog has been through email only. As a communications professional, I know all too well that written communication is likely the worst form of communication, no matter how good a writer you are. (And she and I are both good writers).
Just because I feel something does not make it true from her perspective. I could be totally off base. However, lacking the ability to ask her, communicate with her, truly know her, I am left to my own devices, that is, my feelings.
And I feel afraid.
I am afraid to be more "out there" for fear of once again ticking her off and alienating her further.
I want her to like me.
I want her to be interested in me.
I want her to think I am neat and cool and to say "Hey, great hair color".
I am afraid if I am true to me and my desire she wont like me.
I have issues.
Yes. I am still battling the issues that were fertilized over twenty years ago when I was pregnant with her. Those issues are rooted in sentiments like "not good enough" and "not proper" and "inappropriate behavior".
I have gotten past these issues where the rest of the world is concerned but I am still battling them with her and I cannot even discuss them with her.
I see two options:
I could sit still and avoid these activities that could benefit from my involvement with the hopes that doing so would benefit me in some way in a future relationship with her.
I could be true to me and the activities and risk that she wont approve and it will indeed alienate her further.
Neither of these options is particularly appealing to me and as such I search in the spirit of Steven Covey for the third alternative.
I am still searching.