Surviving Wedded Bliss

“As we do at such times I turned on my automatic pilot and went through the motions of normalcy on the outside, so that I could concentrate all my powers on surviving the near-mortal wound inside.” – Sonja Johnson

A first mom friend recently attended the wedding of her reunited daughter. She sent me pictures over the weekend (you know who you are!) and told me she "survived" the event.

Yes, survived.

Awful, eh? She has to talk about "surviving" her daughters wedding.  Most parents survive the hectic planning, or the finances, or the frenzy of the days events. Moms like my friend manage to survive a day peppered with any number of emotional triggers.  Several friends of mine had to be sedated to get through such events. Sounds like my friend was able to get through it without medical assistance.

I haven’t asked my friend yet but I cannot help but wonder how the daughter and adoptive family managed certain aspects.

Where did they seat my friend?

Was she acknowledged?

What was said to her?

What she told how "lucky" she was that she was even invited or considered?

She told me that at one point in a rehearsal dinner adoptive mom pulled her aside privately and gave her a present so she "wouldn’t feel left out".  Minutes later, those in attendance were publicly recognized and given gifts.  Not the first mom, she got hers in private. in advance, real special and secretive like.  This made her feel not left out? Are you kidding me?

The very idea of attending my daughters wedding gives me body tremors. I am not sure I could be as strong as many of my first mom friends have been.  I don’t know if I can tolerate being pushed aside, ignored, relegated to sit in the back or worse yet, stared at like some monkey in a cage (or Barbie in a box) as adoptive relatives pointed, stared and whispered "So THATS the woman who abandoned her child". 

(Another on-line friend tells a completely different story regarding her experience at her daughters wedding. Read it now.)

Normal people not torched by adoption would likely congratulate my friend on her daughters nuptials. I feel compelled to congratulate her on her mental wellness and emotional fortitude.

Heres to you, my friend.

8 Thoughts.

  1. Kudos to your friend, who survived the situation to be present for her child. Yep we take the crumbs…
    Hugs!

  2. …as adoptive relatives pointed, stared and whispered “So THATS the woman who abandoned her child”.
    THIS has been my worst nightmare about being thrust into this kind of situation. Oh, amom is nice enough to me but I do remember her comment at the end of our first meeting “Now you will go back to your life.” All friendly like. And I thought, read between the lines fool, leave my son and grandkids here and JUST GO HOME. I have no trust in humankind based on my history. Sucks.
    Your friend is a brave woman. I am sending good thoughts to her right now.

  3. My birthmother attended my wedding. She was horrified at being acknowledged in any way. These things are so painful.

  4. Refuse the crumbs, insist, if only to yourself, on the largest part of the loaf. I wrote a while ago here about conflict with amom over my 19 year old son. It escalated and got pretty nasty.I finally said all things i just thought before that, the email I sent to her started by saying “This is the last correspondence I ever intend to have with you” after about a page and a half it ended with “I will not lose my son to you a second time”. No response, but I didn’t expect one. Yesterday I drove 11 hours roundtrip to pick up my son for a few days visit and she of course was home. She was differental, and open but changed. She was no longer carrying an air of superiority over me. I cannot help but feel the loaf is mine and not only do I know this, but so does she!!
    Crumbs…nope not for me, not anymore.
    Be well,
    Denise

  5. Your friend’s treatment is just plain wrong. I’m sorry she had to go through that, and sorry that you and other mothers even have to think about it.
    There’s something really inhuman – and inhumane – about treating the woman and man who gave your child life that way. A real gap in humanity. Makes me very, very sad.

  6. Mo and I joke about us walking down TA down the isle! Actually we say that Mo will probably be so old when TA finally decides to get married that we will have to roll her down…just thankful that we have the relationship where I am not put in a box! We both love our daughter…

  7. No one should have to go through anything like that ever!!!!!
    If and when our daughter decides to get married, Deb will be equal in all parts of her ceremony. As well as kept up to date on everything in her life, as we have made sure every since their reunion.
    As Deb wrote, by the time she’s ready, I’ll more than likely be in a freaken wheel chair and have to push me down the isle. haha
    I have to add that SOME, not all adoptive parents are totally heartless and clueless and I personally apologize for THEIR stupidity.
    Mo

  8. Every event of my son’s (only one wedding of his four) I have attended where there would be people I don’t know, I have sorta kinda freaked out as it got closer. Asked him: do they know our history? will they ask me what you were like as a boy or other questions I can’t answer? what will they think of me? I hate it, even though I have never encountered the kind of weirdness your friend did. Makes my heart sad…

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