Mares' of the Wrecker

None of them talk about the unending grief and symptoms of PTSD that most mothers will experience from losing their children. Many women bury these emotions for years (after all, we were told to "get over it!"), usually until at least a year into reunion with their child, at which point the repressed memories re-surface and devastating flashbacks begin. A natural parent’s PTSD can introduce an added complication into the reunion, especially if the adoptee is not aware that this is a common occurance.

I woke up crying this morning.

An adoption induced nightmare caused me to greet the morning sun with a river of tears.

I hate this. Gosh, how I hate this. It never goes away.

Last nights nightmare was about my casewrecker. My guess is that my recent posting here and also the adoption triggering incident in the first grade class room yesterday combined to create a perfect emotional storm. Lovely.

I did manage to fall back asleep but the weird feelings lead me into another odd dream with a male friend of mine, his ex-wife, his son, my ex husband and our sons. It was very strange. 

Anxiety at its best.

It is mornings like this that make me wonder if my therapists insistence on different therapies doesn’t warrant further consideration. He is not pushing…he just randomly mentions this approach or that approach. I have, to date, been avoidant. I figure when I am ready to dig deeper I will. I am fairly consistent in that manner. I do things in my time, sometimes rather impulsively. I will ruminate over something for weeks, days, even years and then BAM I will just decide I am tired of it and will attack it full force. It can be a bit disconcerting to those that know and love me. I tend to keep these things to myself, my loved ones wont even have a hint that I am struggling with something and then I will announce some new fangled thing in my life to deal with something they never knew existed.

I am trying my best to shake the residue from last nights dream.

I wish I could shake off that casewrecker.

2 Thoughts.

  1. There are so many varied therapies that its really hard to know how you want to work through your stuff, but in the end it’s always the choice of the client.
    Of all of them there are very few that I see as being truly hurtful to a client(ie hypnosis for regaining memories is dangerous, “so called holding therapy, which isn’t even therapy and so on)…
    One of the things that I see in your post is that we are self regulating, we don’t get into stuff that is beyond the amount of pain that we can handle. Your therapy needs to go at your pace and you and therapist will blend his knowledge with your needs…It sounds like this is what you are managing now.
    I do put a great deal of stock in dreams, both journaling them and bringing them to therapy for interpretation. I’ve had a few where I’ve needed to get up and shower even before writing them out in detail (which I’ve found helps me separate dreams from reality)… Dreams can be really tough when it is stuff from our past or people we know mixed in with our waking lives today, but if you ask me there is always some kind of meaning to a dream which in the end may really enhance our lives (even if the dream was really scary or gory etc)

  2. This is a timely post for me.
    My son just left yesterday to visit an ex whom he hopes to re-start a relationship with. If that happens he will be moving back across the country to live with her. I truly want it to work out- I want him to be happy, to be with the person he loves. But the last few weeks I have been waking at night (when I actually am able to fall asleep), with what seems like panic attacks; not being able to breathe, heart pounding……the terror of being separated from him, the feelings of that initial experience.
    He, at one point, called me ridiculous because of my insistence that he spend some time with me- it hurt, but he cannot possibly understand nor should he what I am feeling. I was not acting normally- he didn’t even witness any of the crying- and I am so afraid it is damaging our relationship, but it is impossible to put those awful feelings away like I used to. I have spent the last few weeks wishing I couldn’t feel anything; I am so sick of my feelings controlling me and appearing like a screwy person, especially to him.
    I know a therapist who periodically calls me to tell me that I should be visiting the trauma itself using a specific kind of therapy, but I am afraid to even go there. I get what you’re saying.
    Hope those thoughts are gone soon, Suz.

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