Asshats and Prompts

“If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it.” –  Marcus Aurelius

Again the question with answers that should be pretty obvious.

I received this from an anonymous commentor. It was kinda nasty and in keeping with my own personal policy to delete asshat comments, I removed it. Even still, it did provide me with a writing prompt, so thank you very much asshat commentor.

“Why should you care if your daughter was hit as a child? You gave up your right to discipline her.”

The second part is entirely true. I did give up my rights to discipline her. However, as I have said a gajillion times I did not give up my love or concern for her.  Had she been parented by me, she would not have been hit.  (Again, I have NO idea if she was, it is merely one of those many anxiety inducing adoption related issues of mine. I have a uncanny ability to think of her all the time, under all circumstances, and forever worry about her. Imagine that? Mothers don’t forget!).

However, this really speaks to a bigger issue, an issue I constantly talk about. Specifically it speaks to how expectant mothers are deceived, manipulated and lied to during the most vulnerable time of their life.

I must say discipline never occurred to me in 1986. Never once did I think that my daughter might ever grow up being hit, abused, with an alcoholic parent, a narcissist mother or anything negative or hurtful in her life.  (Again, I am speaking figuratively, I have no idea if these apply to her or her adoptive family). 

It was made very clear  to me that all adoptive parents  were seated at the right hand of God.  They were PURFECTO. Uber grand. Super parents. They even had a nifty home study document that proved it. They were certified fabu parents.

Why would I question if someone would hit a child when they had gotten the gold seal of approval from some agency saying they were super human? If my child’s own mother wasn’t good enough for her, those that WERE, had to float amongst the angels, right?


But see, agencies don’t tell expectant mothers that. They don’t tell us

“Look, your child is going to go to a regular old infertile couple that currently has marriage problems due to their infertility. The father has a history of alcoholism in his family. The wife is from a divorced family and grew up in a trailer park. Her father beat her mother. Both managed to graduate high school. The wife is currently working two jobs to pay for the hefty agency fee. The husband is a sanitation technician that really loves his job.  They rent a small three room apartment. They will turn the dining room into the baby’s nursery.  Based on their family history and upbringing there is a good chance they will divorce and the father will become an alcoholic that might even beat his wife and your child. They are regular old normal people with regular problems and no super human powers. They might divorce. They might die. They might molest your child. They might kill your child (but we won’t tell you about that, after all, you will have moved on).  They might also love your child and take very good care of her. We simply cannot know. Its a crapshoot, you know?

If they don’t like your child, we have a good return policy that allows them to return her (but not to you) and get another one of higher quality.  Isn’t that wonderful? Your beautiful precious child is going to go NORMAL REGULAR PEOPLE. They are no better than you and there is no guarantee your child will have a better life than the one they could have with you,  but hey, can you sign here? Its getting late. Tick Tock, Tick Tock.”

(Dont believe me? I have a hand written profile from the agency on my daughters adoptive family. The ONLY thing negative in there is about their fertility struggles. All that did was make me feel sorry for them and make me feel like they deserved my child even more. There was nothing in there that was at all negative. Come on, get real, we all have negative aspects of our lives and families.)

Adoption in the 80s and many times still today, depends heavily on elevating the adoptive parents to Supreme Being status.  By doing so, the agencies and parents can plug into the mothers natural instinct to give her child the best. If adoptive parents are higher, that means she is lower and she is no good for her child. Naturally a mother will give her child the perceived better chance.

Besides my natural love and concern for my child, I am regularly battling the BS that the industry fed me. I constantly have to accept that I was naïve, young, used, abused, taken advantage of and I abandoned my child to those abusers. (Abusers being the agency, not her adoptive parents, again, I don’t know them but I am pretty sure they are regular fallible people just like me).

So yes, dear asshat, I do care if my child was ever spanked, because as my friend Claud said in a video “it wasn’t supposed to be that way”.  I did not sign up for my child to be abused. You can argue that I should have assumed that, should have realized that normal people adopt children, but you weren’t there and you were not fed the lines of horse doody that I was. Don’t tell me the truth NOW. It should have been told to me THEN.

More on this topic later.

Specifically, if my child WAS abused in ANY way, would I want her to tell me?

The short answer is a resounding YES. I can explain why in another post.

11 Thoughts.

  1. What do you care!!!! OMG the asshole needs a frontal and rear libotomy. Please spare us the old retoric, ass wipe. What year is this??? 1902, come on everyone should know by know we were cohersed. (I’m about to be pissed off.) I wish people like this would go to the moon to adopt and never come back. What do THEY CARE that they would leave such a STUPID comment!! Guilty conscience no doubt. Maybe someone should tie/drug them up after delivery, and take their baby and see if they care????? What a F —ing idiot!!!!

  2. PS: Unless the comment was left by an abused conflicted adoptee who doesn’t know what to believe. In that case, sweetheart all us real moms LOVE YOU (did you know your stem cells are in us)and your natural mother always intended the very best for you. Evil is at work in the world and we have all been it’s victims, but NEVER believe the lie that she didn’t want or love you. In most cases we planned to fight with all our might, but they drugged us and stole our babies. How can a drugged woman fight back?

    Are you fucking kidding that someone, somehwere has not just the nerve but the sheer ignorance to make such a statement.
    As humans are we all simply not supposed to care bout how everyone in the world is treated or mistreated…how the hell as a mother are you not supposed to care about your own child, your flesh and blood, whether you raise them or not???
    What the fuck is wrong with people, seriously????

  4. Suz with the nasties like this. I repost their comment as a new post in its entiretly and let everyone at em !
    Honestly its just gutless. Posting something like that as an anon.
    Do you use sitemeter? thats a good way to have an *idea* of who you’re dealing with
    Im sorry that someone has the audacity to write that to you.
    You have EVERY RIGHT To hope for the child that you lost to adoption. To hope that their life was a happy one and that they were not disciplined with violence

  5. The sheer stupidity of such a common is outrageous!!! What does giving a baby up for adoption have anything to do with caring about that child?! As an adoptee and mother of two, I cannot even fathom the agony a birth mother endures knowing her child is out there somewhere. I pray Suz that you daughter was not hit. I pray so hard for that. But not for a minute let this moron rob you of the right to love and care for your child. As a matter of fact, if your child were in danger, YOU should have rights about going in to protect that child. I am fortunate that there was no physical abuse in my family, but there are just as many abused adopted children as non-adopted children.
    This poster has to know how idiotic their comment was because they wouldn’t put their name. Honestly, go back under the rock from which you came!!

  6. Jane – Yes, I use sitemeter and I know who the nasty commentor. She is a known troll. She is an adoptive parent who is struggling with her own situation and her way to deal with it is to attack others. I dont tolerate attacking mothers or adoptees here. Attack the industry, the church, the stupid beliefs that lead to separating mother and child. Do not call me names, others names, etc. If you do, I delete.

  7. Shes an adoptive parent?
    so this is an entitlement thing ? then ? right ? she is feeling *scared* * threatened* because you spoke of having a concern how your child had been raised….and she is feeling entitled that she should only have that choice as the *adoptive parent* and that the Mother that gave birth to the child should no longer have any concern as to what happend during that childs life..?
    Am I right ?
    Well then I feel sorry for her.. Sorry that she feels so threatened by a mothers blog post about worrying that her child may have been disciplined with violence…A blog post…A blog post made her feel threatend so she lashed out
    Quite sad really isnt it..

  8. The fabu-ness propaganda about adoptive parents did not start in the 80’s believe me. It was around in my time too.
    When you meet your child and find out he had a a mother who never hugged him, that her wealthy family looked down on his country of origin (Canada!!!), that they threw him out when he didn’t live up to their expectations…well that’s the book that needs to be written someday.
    I hear people worrying about what adoptees are going to find when they go looking,birth/first moms need to be prepared too because all those reasons that they fed you for relinquishment just may never have happened and your child may have had a very hard life indeed.
    Damn straight we should be worrying about every aspect of parenting that we were convinced to give up.

  9. Specifically, if my child WAS abused in ANY way, would I want her to tell me? The short answer is a resounding YES. I can explain why in another post.
    I am eager to hear your views on this. I had a very hard time hearing about my son’s childhood, and yes I did want to know, but sometimes I wish I didn’t. Because there is nothing I can do about it now, except feel great remorse and regret.

  10. I hope that the blog author doesn’t mind me posting this here, but Denise, remorse and regret are two feelings that you should never have to feel. They are feelings that come from feeling you were responsible or to blame for something happening to someone else. I have read your story and I can see no way you were given any option to keep your baby. There was no choice. In this way, you were never responsible for the abuse he suffered.
    I listened to my son recount the horrendous abuse he faced as a child and teen, and the only emotions I felt were anger at his adopters that he was treated this way and wanting to hug him to make it all better.
    Why do you accept blame for an act committed against you that you could not prevent? 🙁 You don’t need to do this to yourself.

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