Dating Adoption Trauma

Hope is nature’s veil for hiding truth’s nakedness” – Alfred Bernhard Noble

I want to hide.

I want to delete this blog, change my name, color my hair blue and hide.

I wont of course. It goes against all I believe in for mothers like me. Society wanted us to hide. To shun us, to put us away and pretend what we did, what they did, what happened to us did not occur.

I dont hide.

But tonight I wanted to. I wanted to so bad it made me cry.

I “met” a guy online. We were chatting. There seemed to be chemistry. I was giggly and excited and hopeful and waiting anxiously for every email. He needed to signoff to go do work and tend to his real life and we exchanged emails and instant messaging handles. I teased him and told him he would get extra points if he could figure out the meaning behind my email handle (bluestokking).

Well, duh, I was so taken by him it did not occur to me that he would google the words and be lead to my adoption related material. He sent me a link to my shelfari and there it is in black and white my status as a mother who surrendered her child to adoption.

I wanted to vomit. I still want to. My stomach is upset and there is a lump in my throat.

I am not ashamed. I am not. But that kind of information is something I like to control the delivery of. I realize its dumb. There is no way I can do what I do and be this transparent and still control the delivery.

But you know, for once, for tonight, for a moment, I wanted there to be a space and time where adoption was not permeating every cell of my being. I wanted to be me without adoption trauma, without the judgement of others, without the pain, without my big ol’  scarlett letter.

Just once.

And the old anxieties creep up.

What does he think? What will he say? Am I not good enough to consider dating? Will he read all about me and think “rut-roh, nutter on aisle five”? Will I hear screeching noises from the emotional skid marks his judgement tires will make as he speeds in the other direction?

My rational self believes wholelheartedly that if it is meant to be anything, if he is any kind of man I would be intereted in, he will take it in, discuss with me, accept it, question, treat it with respect. I know that. And frankly, based on our coversations, he seemed very compassionate. But THIS?

There is part of me that still fears that judgement. Still hears that you are not good enough, we are ashamed of you soundtrack in my head.

If its not in my head, its surely in my stomach.

I told him to google me completely (first and last name) and if after reading all about my sordid past, he still wants to chat I would welcome it.

I hope he does.

14 Thoughts.

  1. Oh STOP IT – you ARE perfect, a tad NUTS, but none the less perfect. If he’s is decent as you feel he is, then he’s the lucky one here.
    Mo xoxox

  2. What man is crazy enough to not want and date a woman who is making a difference in the world?!
    Hugs to you, Suz. Let me introduce you to a concept from Robert Assagioli’s psychosynthesis:
    1. I have a body, but I am not my body.
    2. I have emotions, but I am not my emotions.
    3. I have a mind, but I am not my mind.
    If we have all these things, but they do not define us, then who are we?
    “I am a divine being having a human experience.”

  3. Sordid past? I know that was tongue in cheek but – sordid past? I usually refer to it as my misspent youth. Not misspent because I got pregnant but misspent because of the 18 years I spent without my son in my life. You have an interesting past and present.
    If I were communicating with a person who had a blog, I’d be more worried about my privacy than about the subject matter of the blog unless it was racist or some other kind of negative “ist.” I would want assurances that the world would not be reading about our relationship if I was uncomfortable about that.
    I don’t mean the fact of our relationship. The antennae would go up for other reasons if that were the case. I mean the details of our relationship, a blow by blow description of it.

  4. Yes I remember VERY clearly telling both my current husband and my ex-husband about my <<<>>>. Both were loving and non-judgemental. It was my issues that made it so difficult. That being said, you are a beautiful, incredibly intelligent, loving and did I say beautiful, woman, he would be very lucky!!!!!!!!

  5. Hmmmmm I lost the word “past” in between the . Must be some code that I am unfamiliar with :)~

  6. I can remember the very moment that I told Paul that I placed a child for adoption. He looked at me and asked how long it would be until WE could find her!!
    If this man has any sense at all he will look at you for why you are….a beautiful, loving, caring person who just happens to have placed a child for adoption.

  7. We are all here because we learn from you. The emtional imbalances and tears that never go away. To know that we are not the only women on the planet that have experienced losing our child to adoption.
    Yet, there is something to be said for the rest of the world who has never had to think about it, or to even comprehend the existance of “the matter of it”
    In this instance it could be overwhelming and for someone who has never had or been involved in the exposer of all of this, I suppose setting this aside while the chatting of getting to know each other shifts into second gear. After all, you know who you are, but you dont know who they are! You are so very fragile and that makes you vulnerable and wonderful all at the same time.

  8. “I cant wait to get to know you more. Im lucky if i do”
    Awwww, you go Andy!
    And yes, perhaps I’m biased but lucky you would be indeed, she’s a VERY special woman!
    Hugs 🙂

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