"The First Amendment was designed to protect offensive speech, because nobody ever tries to ban the other kindâ€ – Mike Goodwin
A few adoptive parents found the recent posts and comments here upsetting. They chose to point out in comments or in emails to me that not all adoptive parents are mean, psycho, selfish, insertyourownwordhere, adoptive parents.
I agree and any number of adoptive parents friends of mine can echo my sentiment and confirm that I don’t personally believe adoptive parents are some sort of anti-christ. As stated to my friend Mo, adoptive parents are human. As such they can be good parents and they can be equally awful parents. They kill children, abuse them, molest them, treat them as property, neglect them, just like natural parents do.
What many seem to miss is that the fable read to expectant mothers is that adoptive parents are BETTER than the real thing. Uber-cool and skippidity do dah, they are the bomb. They are infallible. They are seated at the right hand of someones god. They will be better parents than we could EVVAH be and our children will much prefer to be with strangers than with their own kin.
There is no guarantee that adoption gives a child a better life. They are given a different life. Different does not equal better.
Imagine the mother who believed, erroneously, that her child would be loved for ever. Her child would have ponies and pools and a college education. Mothers survive on that dream. We coddle it and stroke it and it helps us get through the agonizing nights when we cannot bear to live anymore. Many of us tell ourselves over and over "they are better off, they are happy, they are better off".
Can you imagine the horrible shock to find yourself n reunion and find out it was a big lie? Imagine the guilt you endure when you see that you had a better life than your child? Imagine the pain of seeing your child has been thrown out? Molested? Emotionally abused or even murdered by their adoptive parents?
Imagine dealing with that reality and then being told by your child you are responsible for it all?
To the adoptive parents who get defensive, I beg of you to try and see the other point of view. Get out of your own perfect adoption world and see that adoption is not all wine and roses. Lies are told. Young girls are coerced and manipulated so their child can be sold to the highest bidder – you. While one family is made, another is destroyed. While your dreams come true, someone else’s are shattered.
Negative statements about adoptive parents are not about YOU personally anymore than the statement "alll first mothers are slut crackwhore scumbags who never deserved their children" is about me. Get out of the stereotypes. Take off the rose colored glasses. See what has been happening for years to mothers and their children. See how you too were used as a pawn in a broken system. See how your lust for a child you could not conceive on your own contributed to the adoption mess we have today. See how damaged some of our children are by this.
Don’t get defensive. Get outside yourself and realize, as an adoptee recently told me, it is not all about you. One happy adoptee family in Somewhere, USA does not negate the legions of unhappy ones throughout the world.
Dare I disagree with Dr. Spock and suggest the needs of the many do NOT outweigh the needs of the few?
Do not shut people down. For when you do, you give them license to to shut you down. If you want to be heard and recognized, be open to hearing and recognizing others, no matter how painful it may be.
When attempting to highlight flaws in adoption for the purpose of reform and activism, it is not common to write about all that is GOOD in the system.
We are not going to change all that is wrong in adoption by sitting around spouting all that is wonderful about it.