Sometimes

"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.” – Unknown

I am tired.

I am feeling tired of adoption.

I get like this now and then. I wake in the morning and I want desperately to not be torched by adoption. I want to wander away from the life I have and visit one of the two other lives I left behind before adoption walked into my life. I lost not only my daughter but I also lost the person I was meant to be at that time and the life path I was on. I miss that person. Sometimes when it all gets to be too much, more than wanting my daughter back, I want ME back.

I want to know what it would have been like to lead my first life. That life that directed me to Franklin Pierce College to study English Lit with crunchy granola tree huggers in New Hampshire. What would that girl have done? How would she have managed on that college campus?  What friends would she have made?  I am confident she would have adored classes and studying for even now in this mangled version of that girl that I am, I adore learning and reading and writing. I had a different name then. I was Sue to my best friend and Susan to my parents. Who was that person? Would she have changed her name to Suz as some sort of artistic self expression or would she have remained the person she was and accepted her given name? Would she have met a boy? Fallen in love? Lived out a standard, acceptable, life path of college graduation, marriage and children? Or would she have gone off into the wild blue yonder? Would her itchy feet, thirst for knowledge and culture have taken her to Europe and the Far East? Would she have met an engaging man name Marcel on the banks of the Seine when she visited Paris and entered into a torrid, if short lived, love affair with him? Would she have read books on the steps of Sacre Coeur and wandered the hallways of the Louvre lost in thought and imagination?

At other times, I  want to know what it would have been like to lead the second life I was supposed to have. The one where I was a mother to be pregnant by my beloved high school sweetheart. What kind of mother would that person, still called Sue, have been? What would it have been like to actually raise my first born child, my only girl? What if I had married her father? Where would we be? Would we have had other children? He and I had a connection that transcended teenage love. We communicated well (and still do). He was me in the male form. Would that strength of expression, that connection, have helped us through the rough times as young single parents? Or would we have been torn apart by the struggles? If his parents, particularly his mother, ever knew about me being pregnant, would she have helped us?   Our families had a great deal in common. Our grandmothers were friendly and attended the same church and White Eagles Club. Would the old Polish ladies have helped us? Would they have celebrated the birth of another Polish child  or would they have shunned us?  Would that shunning have caused us to fight and blame each other and eventually separate? How would we have managed? We both had jobs then. Surely we would not have been homeless or hungry but we would not be the middle or ultra class that we are today. Or would we? 

It is said that life is understood by looking back but it is lived but looking forward.  I agree however sometimes, just sometimes, when the present is too much to bear, too painful, too tiring, I want to retreat to what might have been versus what is.

Just sometimes.

4 Thoughts.

  1. Look at your 2 beautiful boys and know that the path you actually took led you to them and rejoice in being their mother. Celebrate the present with them and just for that time, put your past and the pain behind you until you have the strength to put that burden back upon your shoulders.

  2. Maybe, In a way its like writing your story. Whatever you dont like you can delete it. Keep the best parts sort the worse.
    The reality is a life lived, mistakes, immaturity,bad decisions.
    One thing for sure, pain, guilt, unwillingness to put it all to bed proves nothing. I will not go into my old age with a bag full of “what if’s” and a martyr at best that I deserved all that I didnt get. Because there were many wonderful things I did get.

  3. I get this and I’m only 19 months into my different life. There are days though looking in the mirror when I just wish I could have back a moment of that pure joy that was available before….
    It’s hard not to wonder all the “what if’s” – and as long as we don’t get swept up entirely and dwell in the thinking of them – I think it’s healthy and okay do the “what if’s” like you said – just sometimes.
    ((((hugs)))

  4. I too visit the what-ifs from time to time. Visit? Hell, I rewrite entire scenarios in my mind. OK for a minute or two. But now is the thing. I know you know that. (((Hugs))) from another dreamer.

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