Hold Me Now

Please come now
I think I’m falling
Holding on to all I think is safe…" – Creed, One Last Breath

I am teetering on the edge. I am not sure what is over the edge, or beyond the horizon but I am dancing with the idea of going that way. Maybe six feet aint so far down.

Stop the blog.
Don’t stop the blog.
Pull back.
Push back.
Give back.
Don’t bother.
Don’t look.
Don’t cry.

I have triggers galore this week. This week of all weeks. The week I was beginning in earnest to pull back from my daughter and pretend once again she is not there or it is okay for her to be wherever she is and not with me. The week I tell myself regularly its okay. Its all just fabulous. Let it go. Don’t think about it. Move on. Appreciate what you have and ignore what you dont. Love the ones who love you and forget those that don’t. Rethink. Reframe. Revise. Get out of your head and heart and into your life. Go. Now.

I am trying.

My niece, the graduate, named the same as my daughter was by her adoptive parents,  has been with me all week. She has been watching my small men as they don’t start camp until next week. Its been mighty awkward to have the boys constantly say:

"Where is M?"
"Is M eating with us?"
"Is M sleeping over tonight?"
"We had so much fun with M today."

Something inside me goes haywire each time the boys speak of their cousin who bears that same name as their sister. Something short circuits. My belly flips over. My head darts around looking to see which M they refer to. For a few seconds I am somewhere else while my short circuiting brain adjusts to the reality.

I want to scream irrationally each time they call for their cousin M. I want to suggest they call her Peaches, or Kiki, or BoogaBooga just so I don’t have to experience this crazy psychotic mind switching.

M? Which M? Daughter M? Niece M?
Is M (daughter) here? Oh, no, its niece.

I stand in the kitchen and peer through the butlers pantry and watch my small men play with their eighteen year old cousin named the same as their sister, graduating the same year as their sister. They toss pillows and wrestle.  My youngest screeches and body slams his cousin. She giggles and grabs him between the legs and lifts his lean and limber six year old body up over shoulder. He continues to giggle.

"Stop M! Stop!" he screams with a mixture of terror and delight.

My throat constricts and I retreat to the bathroom.

The visions that aren’t visions, more like fantasies or flashbacks of things that never were but should have been pummel my psyche.

I have to escape before they see my tears.

Imagine if the M they are wrestling with was indeed their sister?

It is almost too much to bear.

6 Thoughts.

  1. Oh ouch, that would be tough! ((((Suz))))
    We just looked at a house on “E” (you know what I’m talking about) drive. Needless to say we won’t be buying it. There is no way!
    It’s a strange week Suz. A lot of people I have talked to are feeling the same way, nothing is certain, everything is uneasy, unnatural. Like it’s in the air or something.

  2. You can get thru this – because you are strong – and you’ve made it thru so many things before.
    Remember to breathe.
    Just remember to breathe.
    Poss. xxxxx

  3. I have figuratively been hiding in the bathroom for a while now. From my son and anything or anyone who reminds me of him. Avoidance isn’t something I’d recommend. It just postpones. But it’s been working for me, LOL!
    My original intent with this comment was to say “screw hugs, the whole thing sucks and I feel your pain.” And yet I still feel compelled to send you a BIG VIRTUAL HUG and, knowing your strength and resilience (which first-motherness seems to require), my confidence that you will get through this.

  4. Oh, wow. Suz, this is so hard, so hard.
    My daughter has been ghosting around the house lately, my imagination putting her in my house instead of the house she lives in. I see her out of the corner of my eye, sometimes, I swear. But of course, she isn’t there. She is 15 and she has her other life and she’s doing summer things, somewhere else. I remember all of that and then I feel like crying, because really, the feeling of her being there is just so strong.
    Sigh. I’m thinking of you, sister.

  5. things that make you hmmmm….
    Joy and I were talking about letting things go last night. I let go of trying to control things, expecting particular outcomes. But the reality is that I have to embrace what is, really hold on to it, own it. Because it doesn’t go away. It is.
    God is my partner. God holds me no matter what.
    funny thing, (being of a different generation I guess) I thought Creed was a Christian band… So that’s one thing I learned today.

  6. Suz, I’m so sorry you’re short circuiting. Your blog helps me a lot, fwiw. I wish I could help you feel better somehow.

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