â€œLetting go doesnâ€™t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.â€ – Unknown
In recent weeks, more than on person has suggested I let my daughter go.
This statement usually sent me into a fit of laughter. First I would hear Moses in that Easter movie "Let my people go". (That was Charleston Heston, no?) Then I would laugh at the irony of the statement.
Let her go?
Perhaps you missed the fact that I did that when she was three days old? Did you miss the part where I gave my newborn child over to total strangers with no idea where she would go or how they would care for her? Perhaps I failed to mention that society condoned that heinous action?
Oh, I let her go alright.
I believe, what they mean, is that I must let the fantasy go, the wishes go, the desires. I believe what they see is a mother hoping her child would have some compassion and caring for her and they want that mother to let that fantasy go. I believe what they want is for me to stop going back to the whipping post that is known as my daughter for continued mistreatment. I believe they want me to see her for what she is versus what I might want her to be.
That is what they want me to let go. This constant ache. This constant sleeplessness and agony. The grand delusion. They say "let her go" becuase she, like me, is the physical manifestation of that pain.
"She clearly cares nothing for you. Why do you bother caring for her?" one friend said.
I couldn’t respond. It seems utterly ridiculous to me that anyone would ask a mother why she cares for her child.
All of that said, I am working on letting go. I really am. As they say in divorce groups I am "giving up the wish".
I admit to having a desire, fantasy, that maybe, hidden somewhere under that bristly exterior my daughter does care, would care, might care. Maybe one day she will. That day is not today.
So, yeah, I am working on letting go.
This time it IS my choice. Where as before I let her go to save her from the awfulness that was her single, unwed mother, today I let her go to save myself.
I don’t mean to imply I am rejecting her or would not welcome her in the future. I am however rejecting and refusing to own the negative feelings that the situation has caused me.
At least I am going to try.