"The love we give away is the only love we keep". – Elbert Hubbard
The gift I sent to my daughter for her birthday and graduation was found to be "objectionable" by her. She did not explain what was objectionable and I did not push. That particular gift was too personal for me to go asking for it to be picked apart for its value or worth. I left the topic alone.
However, I am finally (duh) getting the message that I should stop sending gifts. I struggled with this last year when she refused my gift in June. I asked to her confirm she did not want me to send. I assumed silence was agreement and I did not sending anything for Christmas. This was not easy for me but I did it.
I struggled with the recent birthday/graduation gift issue. Many told me not to do it, they thought the sentiment was beautiful but they felt it would not be received with the spirit it was intended. They were afraid I would be hurt if it was returned or discarded. Others told me to be true to myself and send it if I wanted to.
And so I did.
And it was objectionable.
I finally get it.
I may be slow in some areas (math being one of them) but I am finally getting it.
Last night, as I drove home from my parents, I had an hour of alone time with I-91 north and my dashboard confessional. This is is a common time for me to spend a great deal of time ruminating over stuff, often adoption related material.
I came to the conclusion (finally) that I will indeed stop sending her gifts.
However, I must do something for her on holidays and such.
A refusal of a mothers love does not extinguish that love.
Years before I found my daughter, I had a habit of planting trees, shrubs and perennial flowers in honor of her. Mind you, I do not posses any sort of a green thumb but for me, it was symbolic. It was a way to give back, to see something grow and proposer and enhance the environment in memory of her. I ceased this practice once I found her.
While I don’t intend to begin planting again, I do find myself needing to do something with the love and energy that I would have normally shared with her.
I had the the idea to donate monies to a scholarship or organization that helps young moms. I even went so far to consider forming my own foundation or scholarship that would help young moms with college funds. I came up with a name on what I would call it. Premature? Yes, but I like the idea and it is something I might consider in the future.
For now, I like the idea of instead of giving a gift to my daughter that she clearly doesn’t want, I would use the monies to donate to an organization or scholarship that helps young moms or girls at risk. I would do this in honor of my daughter (if even in my own mind as I would not use her name).
If you know of any organizations (preferably NOT faith based) that help young moms, single moms, ideally to go to college, do write me privately. I am doing some research. I regularly donate to Ethica and Origins-USA but I want to target a donation to a scholarship or group. I know of one organization in GA that helped my friend Lily. I would like to know of others. You can comment here or write me at bluestokking at gmail dot com.