She Graduated with Honors

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." — Henry David Thoreau

I watched it.

It is actually still going but she received her diploma. Her amended last name is a"C’ name so she came up quick.

I cried.

I am still crying.

I captured a print screen of her getting her diploma. It was blurry but it is likely the only graduation picture I will see of my daughter.

I have been intermittently feeling like I might pass out, want to puke, and unable to stop tears.

Why do we do this to mothers? Why do we ever tell any single mother that it will ever be a good thing to abandon their child to strangers? Simply becuase it is easier to sell that child to an infertile woman and fix her broken family wishes than it is to help the mother and child in need?

I am rambling. I know. I am aching. Emotionally bleeding.

My baby girl graduated college today.


The reason she was given up. Was it worth it? 

Was it really true she could never gone with me? If course it is not, but I did not know that then.

When you have doctors, agency workers, parents, priests, and those poor infertile people waiting to take your child, you tend to believe them. When they remind you of the awful thing you did by having sex with a man you loved (???), you get confused. When they tell you that "good white catholic girls don’t go on social welfare" you feel further confused (I thought I was a bad girl by having sex now you tell me I am a good girl that cannot get welfare?)

When they tell you that a child can only succeed with two parents, you doubt yourself. When they tell you this is best and you will get over it, you question if that is true. You ignore that love in your heart for your child, that primal connection, that milk made by your breasts just for your child and you sign. When they remind you of that promissory note your parents signed and throw around threats of law suits, you become scared.  How will you feed a child and fight a law suit?  You cave to the pressure and you believe those that seem to know better than you.

They don’t.

To all the mothers in this situation, dont believe them. They dont have your best interests in mind. They have their own wallets, their own egos, their own religious beliefs, their own barren ovaries.  If they cared about you, they would help you to parent, give you more time to decide to surrender and if you change your mind, they would honor revocation periods.

They don’t.

They are not thinking of you.

Think twice, three times, four times before you abandon your child to strangers.  Take her home. Feed her. Play with her. Sleep next to her. Count her toes and smell the scent of your breast milk as she exhales. Notice how she looks like your mother, or your Uncle Hal. Dream about her future and all the amazing things she will do.  Take her for a walk through a grocery store and show her off to all the old ladies that stop by. Make a home made rattle for her out of a paper towel tube and some beans.  Dream and believe. Believe that the best gift you can ever give your child is yourself.  Mommies are not replaceable.

You can abandon your baby at any time. One week, two weeks, three weeks. Trust me, there will be some excited third party all too happy to take your child, change her name and dismiss you.

Take that time. Think. Dream. Believe.

If you do, you will likely see your child graduate to college.

And it wont be remote via the web.

16 Thoughts.

  1. Suz,
    I hear you bleeding all through this statement and still standing up and sharing your reality. And reaching out for change. I hope this transition for your daughter can open up more options for her to explore her bigger world. Best wishes to both of you this commencement season.
    Take care of yourself.

  2. So true all of it. The power over a young girl, so afraid, lost and no one to help her. And all they did was push papers in her face to sign away. Tell her how better planned her life would be and her child. Everyone survives. And even now they hide the identity of that child who was given this gift of a new mother. Do the aparents feel the loneliness of this baby throughout its life. Have they been compensated for taking a human life in captivity.
    Suz: She can choose to stay away from you but she cant hide. Its the nature of things. I believe after she sews her oats, she will come to you.

  3. I am sooo very sorry. I know that she was thinking of you too as adoptees all admit doing on their birthdays.
    I had a friend – another mother – who lived near where my daughter graduated college who went and took some photos for me. More than a decade later, ten years after she died, I had them verified as being her.
    How sad that we are delegated to these back seats and accepting crumbs.
    I know of mothers – myself included – who were barred from attending their child’s funeral. Is there anything more cruel?
    Are we thought to be able to steal them even then? Alienate their affection? Are we still a threat into their graves?

  4. She would very likely have gone to college if she stayed with you. As she did with her a-parents.
    BUT SHE GRADUATED WITH HONORS! That is the part THEY COULDN’T GIVE HER! YOU DID! She has your brain, your creativity, your stick-to-it-ness, all the things that made her successful in school.
    No one can take that away from you. Just know it, and I hope I didn’t make you cry more by saying so.
    Re: the previous post. I know it’s a “crumb” but she answered your email! She hasn”t done that for a long time, right? Maybe some movement… I hope so…
    Hugging you, D.
    P.S. How can we get this post in particular out to all mothers considering adoption???

  5. Denise – Not sure what you are referring to but she hasn’t answered me. I haven’t heard from her in almost a year.

  6. Suz,
    I don’t know what to say. I could feel waves of sadness coming from this post, although it was obvious you were glad in a way to have seen it.
    I’m thinking of you and sending all my hugs.

  7. Sorry. I thought, “I stop by the computer and see her away message.
    “Dinner and hanging out with my parents” was a response. Misread “away message.” I guess I wanted it — something — as much as you do.

  8. adoption, the gift that keeps on giving … the industry says we’re defective for suffering “unresolved greif” for years and decades but that they deny is THE LOSSES KEEP ON PILING UP!! We lose our babies, then we lose every birthday, every Christmas, every Mothers Day, every GRADUATION! The losses are repeated, and cumultative. There is nothing “unresolved” about it because there is never and “endpoint” the loss, never closure!! Nothing “POST’ about PTSD, as the trauma is continuous.
    I’m sorry, Suz, that you were treated this way. I know what it’s like as i was not invited to my son’s graduation either. 🙁 It was terrible.

  9. I am an adoptee recently in reunion, and I must admit, this blog is painful to read. My mother was *very* enthusiastic at first, but she has pulled back recently. I’m in the same boat as you- did I say too much or not enough? Do I lower my expectations? Do I give space or do I confront? Why is it that your daughter resists, when I would love it if my birthmom wrote and called? Sigh. The world is an unfair place. I’m sad for us both.

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