Therapeutic Concern

“Words of comfort, skillfully administered, are the oldest therapy known to man.” – Louis Nizer

My therapist was a little surprised that I intend to  watch my daughters graduation via webcast.

Why surprise?

What is so inherently wrong with that?

Now, before anyone goes all wacko on my therapist, please note he is excellent and is very much pro family.  He believes adoption is wrong and does permanent life long damage to mother and child (and I am proof of that). He understands the need for children to sometimes be raised by others but believes, like me, that that should be done with the best interest of the mother AND child in mind. Meaning, open records, no changed names, not fractured identities, kinship adoption and most of all, again, for the sake of the children and not to make some infertile family feel whole. He believes adoption should be about finding homes for babies and not babies for homes. He is a fan of Bert Hellinger and family constellation therapy and believes that adoption damages one family for generations in the attempt to build another. He agrees with me that all members of my family (parents, siblings, spouses, subsequent children) are affected (to varying degrees) by the loss of my daughter from our family tree.

He has told me in the three years I have seen him he has learned a great deal from me and that he has shared that with other colleagues. He often tells me of social events or professional networking events where the topic of adoption and first moms will come up and he will always think of me and share knowledge he acquired from me with his professional friends.  I have encouraged him to feel free to do that and even gone so far as to offer to speak to any professional that wants to know the truth of what adoption does to mothers and natural families (since all the media likes to paint is the picture of the uber awesome adoptive family saving this poor pathetic child from her natural family). I have shared my blog with him, my site and even gave him "The Girls Who Went Away" by Anne Fessler as a gift.

He gets it and continues to get it by treating me.

And yet, he was startled at my statement that I would watch my daughters graduation live via webcast. Oh, he wasn’t disapproving. He was more concerned. Kinda like one might be if you watched an alcoholic friend walk into a bar. Or if you saw a friend that was a known cutter with a cutting instrument in her hand.


I found this simultaneously sweet (the concern) and yet also annoying.

To have your own therapist express concern about something you will do tends to give one pause.

We talked about it a bit. I sensed he was worried about a PTSD related incident. Would I watch it alone? Would I be okay? What time was it happen? What was my plan?
Would I be able to phone a friend? Did I know my limits?

I left the session thinking once again how tragic adoption is.

A mother wanting to watch her child’s graduation leads others to speculate if she might need to be put on suicide watch.

Ah, the beauty of adoption!

5 Thoughts.

  1. My husband becomes very, very concerned anytime I make contact of any sort with any member of my birthfamily. The results are not usually pleasant for me, him, or any of our loved ones. It hurts and upsets me and the ripple effect goes outward.

  2. Thanks K. I removed it but not before I had a chuckle. Its been a while since I got hate comments. Must be stirring something up for someone. I am going to guess it was likely and adoptee. A few moms have been getting hit by a very angry adoptee.

  3. I’m glad to hear your therapist shares his views on adoption with his colleagues. And I’m also glad to hear that he has them.

  4. Your therapist, as compassionate as he is, still doesn’t know.
    I think you should follow your own feeling, whatever that is.
    It is something I would consider carefully though, I imagine being there remotely may be intensely triggering, then again, ignoring it has its own set of problems.

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