Kudos to ThirdMom

"Life is my college.  May I graduate well, and earn some honors!  ~Louisa May Alcott

Amazing how you can talk to a therapist, talk to your friends, read books and think for hours on a problem for one person to say the words you need to hear.

Award goes to the Margie.

Margie is right. Not that I would ever expect her to be wrong but something in this sentence made sense to me. Made it right for me.

"You deserve to see your daughter achieve what you sacrificed so much for her to achieve"

I am not by any means expecting it to be easy but I am now convinced I do have a right to watch my daughters graduation. I paid dearly for that to happen. Her adoptive parents may have paid the tuition. I paid for it with my life. My marriage has paid for it, my subsequent children have paid for it. I should at least see something GOOD come out of the 22 years of pain I have lived with.

So yeah, the plan is to watch it. Probably sometime in the weeks following the event. I will see what they post on-line. I might even consider purchasing the video. I don’t know. I have not gotten that far in my thought process. I just know I am going to – at some point in some way. I am pondering inviting a friend over to be around just in case. I have a history of well, crumbling, with this level of pain. I have to make sure the boys aren’t home and that I can at least phone a friend or use a lifeline. I am actually afraid (cue what I call The Fessler Effect) Even as I write this from the confines of my corporate cubicle, I am choking up and sobbing and tears stream down my face. I try to hide them with my long hair which is sorely in need of cut and color.

Yes, these types of events are THAT painful. For any adoptee who DOES want their mother there is wondering why she just doesn’t jump at the chance or has to be sedated to attend, think of me. I cannot even watch it alone in my living room.  The idea of the live event, presence of the parents who replaced me, memories of all I lost, thoughts of the college-stick I was beat with by the agency, I dont think I could function at all.  If I had been invited I would want my daughter to be proud of me, happy I was there, and I am afraid I would be a messed bundle of psychosis. Please be gentle with your mothers who attend or dont attend your graduations. It is a wonderful day for you and your adoptive parents. It may be agony for your mother. You are essentially asking her to slit open her heart, let it bleed in the presence of strangers and smile while she is bleeding.

For the record, I would never consider going. I joked about it like all mothers joke but I would not.  If she wanted me there, she would have asked.  She would have shared some bit of it with me, some story, some exciting news. She has not written me in almost a year.  I believe (perhaps erroneously) this lack of contact is rooted in anger and I have visions of her flipping out on me if I showed up at her day. To avoid that I would have to hide or go in costume.

I will NOT hide in some dark corner and wear dark shades and act as if I have done something wrong. That is far too triggering to being sent away to a cold dark former convent to have your child alone surrounded by strangers. Strangers who cared nothing about you but saw the dollar signs on your stomach. Too triggering to days gone by when you had given birth to a child that no one acknowledged. Far too triggering to being told that "THAT never happened and we would never discuss THAT". The THAT in question was my first born child.

I don’t hide anymore.

And if I do, it is for MY benefit and for no one else’s.

Finally, to those of you that wrote me privately on the gift, thank you for your kind words and support. I am really quite comfortable with what I sent. I have received confirmation that it was received by her school on Monday a.m. I don’t know if she has it yet and honestly, I don’t expect any communication surrounding it. Truthfully, the kind wonderful words of encouragement and support I received from Margie, Joyce, Spangie, Jane, Mary, and others hit the emotional spot. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

4 Thoughts.

  1. Oh, Suz, thank you, but thanks weren’t necessary. I’m glad you’re going to watch, but also glad you’re going to watch on your terms, in your way. And if you need moral support, you’ve got my number!

  2. Triggering, yet full of joy and sadness all rolled up in one! Know that my thoughts and prayers will be with you!

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