Not Jupiter but Kool-Aid Drops

"All the bullshit that he’s been taught- all society’s brainwashing. You have to let go of all that to get to the other side. Most people aren’t willing to do that." – Jim Morrison

I have been intermittently obsessed with my daughters graduation. I got through Mothers Day. Now I must get through her birthday (this Friday) and then her graduation (next weekend).

Yeah, May is a tough month.

Since I discovered it will be streamed on line and videos and audio and slide shows will be shown as well, I am well, pondering. Maybe ruminating (which is also known as "thinking too much") is a better word.

It was honestly easier not knowing those things were available to me. It was easier knowing I could never know or see that. Painful, yes, but easier.

Now I am faced with the decision to watch or not to watch. Even more difficult (though I would NEVER do it) was learning that tickets are not required. Attendance at the live event is first come first serve. Could ANYONE go? Like anyone who lived less than an hour away?

Moms like me like to joke about showing up at those events, lurking in some dark corner, repelling off of rooftops, using night-vision goggles to watch our children in their natural state much like you might watch animals on the Sahara plain. Lovely what adoption forces us into, eh? Creatures of the night skulking around to catch a glimpse of our very own child. Thank you adoption.

It is all a joke – kind of. It said with laughter to cover the actual tears that are there, for if we don’t laugh about it we will cry.

Graduation is on Sunday. Even if I don’t watch it live (they are streaming it, I think), I could catch it later.

Do I want to?

Part of me does, yes, absolutely

Part of me trembles at the thought and thinks it is best to avoid.

I decide to avoid and then the Gemini other twin inside me kicks me in the head and says "what are you freaking crazy?"

Which part of me is the avoidant part and which part of me is able to manage these things?

Is the 40 yo mom in me the part that wants to watch and is the 17 yo girl, the one who was told she had no right to these things, the one who is afraid? Am I still afraid I am violating some ones stupid rule by wanting to love my daughter? Am I afraid someone is going to yell at me and tell me I gave up the right to watch my daughters graduation – even in the privacy of my own home? Am I feeling as though I am infringing on the adoptive parents "exclusive right" to our daughters graduation since they paid for tuition.

(Side story, my daughter once wrote me some things about her parents and what they did or did not do. She ended it by stating "but they paid for my education". Um, yeah, SO FREAKING WHAT?? Isn’t that what a parent is supposed to do? What they signed up for? Dude, that is one of the many sticks I was beat with, your college education. Whoopdee -freaking-do that they did what the agency told me only THEY could do.

I hate when adoptees think that when their adoptive parents do NORMAL PARENTING THINGS they are some great amazing things that they are forever indebted to them for. Um, thats what they signed up for no? If even a "dog can give birth" as one adoptive parent told me recently, ANYONE CAN PARENT. Maybe not well, but anyone can parent. GRRR.)

Stupid, I know but the fear is there. The way the agency and society makes us feel like criminals for loving our children, for caring about them, for not "getting over it".

Why do I feel like it would be "wrong" for me to watch her graduation? Who is it wrong for?

Am I still drinking the adoption kool-aid?

11 Thoughts.

  1. An amom actually told you that line about a dog??!?! Ewww. I’m so sorry.
    Do what you need to do with the whole graduation thing…I would hate to think you passed a once in a lifetime opportunity if its something you needed to do, and would kick yourself later for NOT doing.

  2. Well, Suz, I couldn’t give birth, so I guess I’m lower than a hound ;).
    Just some bad humor to try (and probably fail) to lighten things up.
    Anyways, I feel for ya. I’m not in your shoes, obviously, but I feel for ya. I can’t imagine. I really can’t, but I have huge *hugs for you and I used to joke that my second career would be as a professional stalker so maybe I could help you with seeing your daughter in her natural element.

  3. Yes, Mama2Roo, an aMom (obviously an insecure one) told me “any dog can give birth”…”what the big deal about giving birth”?
    I asked her if that was the case why didn’t she adopt a puppy?
    (Yes, I was being sarcastic.)

  4. “a dog can give birth”
    head – desk – head – desk
    I’m hanging my head in collective a-parent shame for that. Horrible.
    As for graduation: I can offer no advice of merit, as I’m not living what you’re living. I’ll offer this, though: You deserve to see your daughter achieve what you sacrificed so much for her to achieve. Whatever your final decision is, I just want you to know that.

  5. I would say go to the graduation. Maybe someday, it will mean something to your daughter that you were there. You will never get another chance to do this again. GO!

  6. Suz: If you feel up to it, GO!
    Short story: Daughter was not speaking to her dad for years. She gets married, does not invite dad to wedding and has someone else walk her down aisle. As upset as he was,tearfully crying he went to the church and watched from the back row. He wanted to be there….
    Maybe you need this more for you. There is no replay here.

  7. Dear Suz,
    I truly believe you are not invading her privacy by watching the graduation… Just my opinion. She’s your daughter, you love her, you’re interested in her life, and proud of her for this achievement… The college has made it available online… It’s like all the stars have lined up and made this possible for you. I feel it’s your right. She sure has made things hard for you… Perhaps has made you feel that you would be violating *her* rights by doing so… but I think differently. And this is one thing she can’t control.
    Best of luck making a decision and ::hugs:: either way. I know it will be difficult if you do watch it.
    I sent you an email asking about her graduation gift, however I’ve recieved an email saying it’s ‘delivery’ is being delayed…!?

  8. Strange twist of fate here Suz, I tried to be differential, and respectful and asked my son’s a-mom if we could attend our sons graduation from high school, she asked me to let her think about it for a few days and of course I agreed, she then came back and said “NO” that she thought it would put our son in a tough spot choosing whom to spend time with, his friends or us, his mom, dad and sister. I agreed and told her I understood, but of course, I don’t. I am angry at myself for asking her instead of asking my son, and now I don’t even feel like I can bring it up to him at all, because I am pretty darn certain that she hasn’t mentioned it to him at all. My son and I talk numerous times per day and he keeps mentioning it in a round about way, I think he is waiting to see if I say anything about wanting to be there. I am stuck in the proverbial rock and hard place, my own fault of course for being respectful and differential, and kicking myself in a big bad way for that now!!!!
    My thoughts are with you, and if I were you Suz, honestly I would just go, as my friend told me the other day “it is easier to beg for forgivness than ask for permission” boy do I ever wish she had told me that before I asked!!

  9. May sucks. Especially when your lost child’s bday is right there with good old Mother’s Day. Mine is too. You have a triple whammy this year. You’ll figure out what to do re: the graduation, go, watch now, watch later, not watch. And whatever it is will be difficult, but right.
    MAJOR HUGS!!!!

  10. I will throw my two cents in. I’d be inclined to go – without fanfare perhaps but go. But you have to do what is right for you.
    I don’t think this is the moment I would chose to make a point about having a right to be there or not but if you’d like to see her graduate, which I think you do, I’d go. And I’d remember that you played a big part in her being there. And I don’t mean because of the adoption.

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