Comments on: Do You Know?

By: Rebecca Aske

Rebecca Aske — Fri, 27 Jun 2014 08:59:07 +0000

I am living this right now. My son and I have been reunited for 8 years. the first few were honeymoon…a few hard conversations….but ok…but we also didn’t talk a whole lot. Then…long story…but he became very verbally abusive to me. So angry and so much venom and so much lack of boundaries. I let all my boundaries go because I felt I deserved to be treated this way because I had done harm to him and caused him to feel rejected. So after accepting all of the blame for every problem in life that he has…and after being told for the upteenth time to…ffffin….etc…every swear where you could scream at me and shoving his finger in my face and screaming at me to get out of his life forever and that he never wanted to see me again…I finally took him up on his offer. I have vacated his life. Of course now he feels I have “rejected” him again. But I can no longer allow myself to be abused by my 30 year old arrogant and abusive son. After so many years of this kind of treatment by him. I have had to say goodbye to him again…I am dying all over again. Just like I did when I was 15. Thanks for your posts. They are helping me in many ways and so far I am only through 2008.

By: Kris

Kris — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 11:46:02 +0000

I to am dealing with the same issue. A reunion of very long standing – almost 20 years goes off the rails. And remains off a couple of years later.
Everything is an issue in any attempt at communication. And the issues shift continually. I know that is because they are not the real issues.
In the last very lengthy email there was a negative comparison between me and the adoptive parents. And a demand that I answer a series of questions.
The emails have been nasty and abusive and I am refusing to take part because everything I say is twisted or questioned as untrue.
After our lengthy and largely positive reunion I feel like I am dealing with someone I do not know at all and who bears me absolutely no good will.
I think the speculation about abandonment is pretty close. But it is the elephant in the room.
Adoption – the gift that just keeps on giving.

By: Denise Roessle

Denise Roessle — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:44:38 +0000

Thanks for this post, Suz. I need all I can get on this topic right now.
I know the “uh-oh” feeling well. It occurs in many of my relationships. Often worried that I have offended, am at fault, will lose someone’s love.
The potential for abuse exists in parent-child relationships where there is no adoption. But for us, I think, the bond is so fragile, and as you say full of emotional land mines, that even the smallest comment or unkindness sends us into a spin.

By: Joe

Joe — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 20:25:27 +0000

Solid points. That’s communication advice for every relationship negotiation. If there is any chance at a relationship being established and nurtured, the talk has got to be about the behavior and not the people. In very rare cases, I’ve run into people who ARE their behavior all the way through. i.e. people who’ve stewed in bitterness so long that they truly are bitter to the core. But that’s not most folks.
But it makes me wonder, should we do the same for good behavior. Just curious, but your article made me think about the fact that when someone does something “good,” my tendency is to attribute that directly to them. Whereas, when they do something “bad” I consciously move that off and associate it with the behavior.
Something tells me it would be helpful to put all behavior out there on the outer surface of identity. Maybe that gets me closer to loving unconditionally.

By: Cat

Cat — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 16:19:03 +0000

It is best to stick to facts (and to bite your tongue when you want to say something more!)
If he did something that really upset me, I would simply say “how would you feel if someone did that to you?” – it throws the ball back in their court without insults flying. It usually works.
Or I would say if something upset me and why, which he listened to and then he understood why it upset me. That seems to work too. People don’t always understand – or sometimes they push the limits to see how far they can go.
It is working on boundaries which are not always easy to define and can make things very difficult.
Our reunion is 4 and half years old now – it seems to be going well. I think we know where the boundaries are and things seem to be good. He is calling me on Sat from Canada
(I live in the UK). I know I am one of the lucky ones. I hope things eventually work out for you too.