Please Blame Me

"I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.
" – Morpheus


Okay, I have been mulling over my overwhelming desire for a concrete, tangible, explanation for my daughters response to our reunion.

And yes, I want me to be the reason. I want her to blame me. I want everyone to blame me.

For if it is not me, it means it is her.

It means that my daughter is not perfect.

And well, to me she is perfect. She is my child. All three of my children are perfect. They are amazing wonderful creative beautiful beings. I would die for them. Give my life for them.

If they are bad, if they are evil, mean to others, disturbed, rude, obnoxious, misbehaved, it is my fault, right?  If my son  kicks his brother while we grocery shop and strangers see it, do they look at him or me? Is a child to be held responsible for their behavior or should the parents be?

I want it to me. I want to live in this bubble that my children are perfect. Yes, Robin, I want to take the blue pill and re-enter the matrix.

But see, to ME, they are perfect. In every way.  And if they do something wrong, it is because I did something wrong in parenting them.  Yes, I know, I did not parent my daughter but that fact does not exempt her from my feelings.  She is my daughter as much as her brothers are my sons.  She is no different than them.

Yet, my daughter, well, in many ways, she hasn’t been so nice to me. Whatever the very valid reasons, primal wound, age, immaturity, anger, its a fact. She has been avoidant, rude, even disrespectful at times. She has hurt my feelings. 

I don’t want to believe she is flawed. I don’t want to believe that anything bad happened to her. I don’t want to truly believe that her parents were abusive or mean. I want to continue to hang onto the folly that is adoption – at least in some manner.  Part of me, if even a part small enough to fit on the head of a nail, wants to believe her adoption was for the best.

Yes, the blue pill.

They told me 22 years ago that she was better off without me. Damn it, part of me, even in light of all the research the shows otherwise, still wants to drink that koolaid and believe it. Because if she was indeed better off without me, then we are good, right? We are like, mkay and things are cool? Then this pain I have lived with is just me? Then my child isn’t hurt or sad or damaged by being raised by strangers?

If I don’t believe that, what am I to face?

That my daughter was not treated nicely, that she is not a nice person? That she drowns kittens in her spare time?

No. I wont believe anything bad about her. I don’t want to. I want to keep her on this pedestal seated cozily next to her adorable brothers. I want to believe her poor treatment of me is because I deserve it.

The shadow is reality. Painful awful reality.

The red pill.

My daughter’s behavior is reality. Its real. Its not fluff.Its not pretty. Its not adoption koolaid. It is hard core emotion and trauma.

If she was so gosh darned happy with being adopted and raised by strangers, if it was so perfect for her, wouldn’t she be, oh, like a Stepford Adoptee? Wouldn’t she at least grant me stranger status and say  hello, good bye, nice to meet you, oh what a pleasant day it is and hi ho cheerio?

Joss Shawyer writes that the adoptees most often to embrace reunion are the ones that have felt some semblance of love and acceptance in their adoptive family. They can accept the love of reunion because love is familiar to them. Someone, somewhere, in their adoptive family (maybe not mom and dad but maybe grandma?) loved them.

Joss goes further to say the adoptees that most often have difficulty with reunion or refuse contact are the adoptees that never felt loved.

I. Do. Not. Want. To. Believe. That.

I don’t want to believe that my daughter cannot love me because she never felt loved.

It is too painful for me to consider.

So, yes, to my friend that asked me if I wanted to be the reason, the fault, the blame, for my daughters response to our reunion?  The answer is yes.

I suppose I do.

8 Thoughts.

  1. Suz–
    It’s not you. And yes your daughter is just as perfect as your sons. You know it. It’s always immaturity, lack of awareness.
    It sucks. You’ve been waiting painfully long. And you’re definitely worthy. But we never really know what’s going on, do we? I mean the whole picture.
    Congratulations on being part of academia!!!

  2. (((Hugs Suz)))
    She needs to heal, just like all people affected by adoption. But, unfortunately, she will need a lot of healing. hugs to her and to you.
    It greatly benefits the abusers in our culture for us to accept responsibility for the things that we had no control over. Because then the abusers can blame us too, and cast off the responsibility of what they did.

  3. I’m sorry that things are the way they are with you and your daughter. Your situation sounds so frustrating. I just wish she would give you a chance, you know? I don’t get it. Can’t explain it. Maybe in time it will get better.
    With that said, this post has given me a lot of insight. Thank you for writing it.

  4. NO BLUE PILLS!!! we don’t hide.
    It’s funny, reading the first half of this, I was totally going to comment with something along the same lines of the second part, stepford-adoptee thing.
    Hopefully it’s not so dramatic or harsh as never been loved and more… deep down she knows something was/is wrong with [adoption] the whole thing, and it’s too much to deal with.
    (((Celebrity Suz))) 🙂 love ya.

  5. NO BLUE PILLS!!! we don’t hide.
    It’s funny, reading the first half of this, I was totally going to comment with something along the same lines of the second part, stepford-adoptee thing.
    Hopefully it’s not so dramatic or harsh as never been loved and more… deep down she knows something was/is wrong with [adoption] the whole thing, and it’s too much to deal with.
    (((Celebrity Suz))) 🙂 love ya.

  6. “I. Do. Not. Want. To. Believe. That.”
    Don’t fall for it… i never felt loved and accepted in my adoptive family… and i welcome reunion with open arms….
    Don’t believe it… it’s hogwash!
    hugs to you.

  7. Suz: I hear all of your pain and I truly understand. I have spent the better part of my life making excuses for everyone. I will pick it apart and take it down. In the end you may never know. Until then, we try to imagine what may be going on with her life, her deepest thought, hurts and what she feels about this adoption if anything!
    I would wonder if she blogged her emotions what would she say? I for one believe there is a hidden Suz gene in there that can never be taken away, sold or adopted!

  8. an adoptive mom here
    My daughters first mother surrended/placed her child for adoption ..and entrusted her in our parent care when dd was 1 1/2 days old.
    we have ongoing regular contact. I know the visits are probably always bittersweet, and I know you don’t probably want to hear this from me, but they are for me. I am usually in a funk before and after each visit. I love my daughters first mother and I think we have a good relationship.
    I know I am setting myself up for pain when I read the blogs of birth mothers, because everyone is entitled to their POV.
    But I wonder, if my daughter is happy in this family, which we teach her includes her birth family as extended family, is she being disloyal to her birth family?
    Is she obligated to mourn the life that may have been?
    Are my husband and I wrong to call us her “forever family?” We don’t have the irrefutable connection of dna. Adult adoptees have told me that there is no way that I could love a child not born to me the way I would a biological child.
    Where is the litmus test for that?
    I did have a biological child a year and half after we adopted E. So, my broken uterus decided to work after all.
    Do you think my daughter’s first mother wants to think that I love my second child more than my first?
    Most of my dd’s birth family refer to our son as our first child, except our dd’s birthmom and her sister.
    What kind of no mans land is that?
    I don’t know what to do..I have always tried to honor everyone..but I don’t think I can make my dd’s birth mothers pain go away by flogging myself every day for signing up to adopt.

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