That Which Does Not Kill

"What does not kill me, makes me stronger." – Nietzche

One of the side effects (for me) of enduring tremendous emotional pain and loss is that it raised the bar, if even virtually, for me as to what I can handle.  It may be an illusion, outright stupidity on my part, or it may be truth.

I tend to take on a great deal of life changing, challenging tasks all at once.

Was this always my nature or did adoption loss and more push the barometer on my stress meter so high that I think I am close to invincible?

Consider present circumstances.

I am selling my home. Financial situation coupled with the fact that I just don’t like the house makes me feel it is the right thing to do. To add to those facts, there is the additional data point that we moved to this town to take advantage of what was allegedly a blue ribbon public school system. 

My children no longer attend the school system. It may be blue ribbon for someone but it wasn’t for my son.  My sons now attend a fabulous magnet school in a different town that uses Gardners theory of multiple intelligences. The school and curriculum is outstanding and exactly what I wanted and my sons needed. So, why continue to pay high taxes for a school system I don’t use, live in a house that I don’t like and can barely afford since my divorce.

Time to sell. The market has been rough yet this is a prime town and the inventory is low. I am hopeful (cue that stupidity again).  I am suddenly praying to gods I don’t believe in that it will sell. I am also working my dupa off to get the place staged for showings.  Since this baby has some serious back, I am working like mad.

Simultaneously with the house sale and pending move, I just took a new position within my company. Similar, nearly identical job, but with a bit more focus and with a different division. The division has undergone significant change and the esprit de corps  is at an all time low.  I am really confident (perhaps overly so) that their decision to add a Communications Consultant role to the group will have a positive effect. Where is my cape? I  intend to fly in and save the day. If I don’t, I will at least contribute to decreasing attrition.

I was discussing all this with a dear friend this morning and he said "Jeez, well, anything else minor going on in your life? You know moving a house and changing jobs are ranked high on the list of top life stressers"

Oh? You don’t say?

For some reason I tend not to think of those things. When things need to be done, I do them. When I decide, I execute. Friend was surprised as I talk or email with him regularly and in none of our conversations did I mention the desire to sell the house. Um, err, oopsie. Guess I hadn’t decided yet.

I did however put my enrolling in our local community college for a two year degree in new media work on hold. Thats good right? I know some sort of limitations?  Oh and I also slowed down on the work I had been doing on forming a not for profit. I am not totally nuts, right? (This is where you answer "Yes, of course honey. You are not nuts.  Just ignore those men in white suits coming your way")

Yeah, I am freaking. Yes, my insomnia is back, my neck is tight and barely able to turn and my stomach has been regularly upset. Is there something wrong with that? Doesn’t everyone live this way?

I have often said that nothing can compare to being sent away, living in home, surrendering your child and living with that grief and loss. For me, at this time in my life, it is true. My divorce, many moves, changes, financial challenges, death of loved ones, nothing has compared.

And you know, on second thought, I really don’t think I want anything to compare to that. I really don’t.

However, I do hope and intend to find an agnostic prayer to St. Joseph that my house sells.  Feel free to do the same.

4 Thoughts.

  1. Oddly, this is something that I find as perhaps the one positive we, as birthmothers, get out of all of this. I know, as a fact, there is nothing more painful or stressful I will ever have to face in life. There may be a couple of losses that are up there in a tied position, but nothing will top it. It makes me a bit of a bitch at times, as I can only console people for so long if they freak out about something trivial, before I want to shake them and tell them to come back when they have a real problem, but it makes me feel like I can walk through fire now. It is a reminder I use when things get bad, “well hey, at least it is not gonna get THAT bad.” A sad consolation, but those damn lemons have to become lemonade sometimes I guess.

  2. Phewwww! I got so tired running over the paragraphs.
    I have the “feeling” you couldnt function any other way. I also have a stress streak and I also have no patience for people who whine a lot. I figure, I have been thru it all, feared alone, cried alone and you never get over it. Whenever you think you’re out, reach way down and there is always more.
    I will say my special prayers for you I think you need all the saints in on this one. 🙂 Good Luck

  3. Hey Suz!!
    I’ll be agnostically praying for you ;).
    And I think I’m busy?? You are amazing :).
    And thanks for your comment on your blog- I’m surprised you found time to read it at this rate!!
    Lots of love xoxo.

  4. “When things need to be done, I do them. When I decide, I execute.”
    You seem like a person that is a real go-getter and your life is lived by the comment above. But….do you use it with your reunion with your daughter? Or is it that last part “…I execute” that drives you crazy because you decided that you want a relationship with your daughter, but you can’t execute that decision?
    I don’t know who said it but I really like the quote:
    “Energy Follows Thought”

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