"I don’t believe in fate or destiny. I believe in various degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn’t matter – it’s only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you.â€ – Henry Rollins
June of this year will mark three years in reunion with my daughter.
We have not met f2f nor spoken on the phone. We had sporadic communication early on and it has died off. She has requested I not send presents (Well, more like refused the ones I sent versus requesting directly I not send. I read between the emotional lines.)
And still I hang on. It is what a mother does. I have believed that I am doing the right thing in respecting boundaries and not pushing for meeting, talking or making any demands. In fact, its been over two years since I even suggested meeting. I donâ€™t plan to again any time soon.
I discussed this over a chat session with a friend recently and she asked me this (and yes, she is an adoptee):
â€œDo you think daughter might be mad at you for not insisting on meeting? You think you are respecting a boundary but maybe you have grossly disappointed her by not being more insistent?â€
Okay, now see, this is the kind of comment I DONâ€™T need.
This is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night, chasing an emotional tail, guessing and second guessing, fearing and worrying.
No. I have never thought that. But now that you mention it, I suspect I will.
Will I do anything differently (besides worry that is)? No.
I continue to believe that she wants this. I feel I must respect her contact preferences. If I learn, years down the road, I did the wrong thing, I cannot and will not allow myself to beat myself up about it.
Like all mothers, I am doing the best I can given the information I have been given.
But yeah, thanks chat friend, for jacking up my paranoia. It has been a bit too low lately.