"The traumatic moment becomes encoded in an abnormal form of memory, which breaks spontaneously into consciousness, both as flashbacks during waking states and as traumatic nightmares during sleep. Small, seemingly insignificant reminders can also evoke these memories, which often return with all the vividness and emotional force of the original event. Thus, even normally safe environments may come to feel dangerous, for the survivor can never be assured that she will not encounter some reminder of the trauma." p37, Judith Herman
As mentioned in a previous post, I am selective about which burning buildings of adoption trauma I run into. I know what I can handle and what I cannot. I know what can trigger me to collapse into a puddle of tears, curl into the fetal position and gasp for air over the loss of my child – even 22 years later. I know what causes me to autistically rock like Adam Sandler did in Reign Over Me and I know what can cause me to sink into a dark abyss of pain that I struggle to climb out of.
Since I have two other children to parent, a professional career to tend to, bills to pay, I am careful about allowing that falling, fetal position, loss of air feeling to overwhelm me. (Frankly, even today, with all my therapy, I am still terrified that if I were to completely let that feeling overcome me, I am afraid I will be left in a catatonic state from which I will never return. Trauma therapists argue that is not possible and that I indeed need to let that entire feeling come over me but as of today, I am not strong enough. It still has me. I am still terrified that if I let those gates of hell open, I will not come back..and I will abandon two more children.)
For this reason, I have avoided Juno and have no intention whatsoever of seeing it. It is akin to taking a knife and sticking it in my gut. I am no longer that foolish. I have indeed learned from my experience.
However, I have enjoyed reading the various posts by friends on Juno. Many I have marked as Shares in my google reader and can be found in the left column of my blog.
"Rather than allowing the glamorized version of adoption portrayed in Juno to influence their beliefs, it is my hope that any young women who came to see open adoption is a reasonable solution in the face of an unplanned pregnancy will go on to educate themselves about what it really means to lose a child to Americaâ€™s billion dollar adoption industry. After all, being strong, smart, and savvy means recognizing propaganda — and rejecting it. "
Amen to that, Jess. Amen