Oh, no, she didn't!

"Nothing is more terrible than ignorance in action." – Johann Goethe

Oh yes, yes,  she did.

A comment emailed to me from an angry prospective adoptive mother:

"How dare you suggest we stop adoptions! How am I supposed to get a child if adoptions cease? I am infertile and cannot have a child. Your suggestion angered me."

Years ago, I would have gotten defensive. Nowadays, I have to laugh and feel sorry for these sorts. 

I do have a few choice words here for that PAM:

The clue phone is ringing quite loudly. Pick it up. Now.


Adoption should be about finding homes for children  — only as a last resort.

No one owes you a child.   Shit, my right eye, as lovely green as it may be, is kinda lazy. When I get tired it doesn’t work so well. It wanders. I want a new eye. Can I just take someone else’s? I WANT A RIGHT EYE THAT WORKS PERFECTLY.

Many will tell you it was Gods plan that you could not conceive. Maybe you were supposed to have children with another dude. Still others, expectant mothers in a crisis pregnancy, will tell you that God intended for their child to be surrendered and oh lovely they intended their child to go to you.

I cannot buy into that. See, to believe that you need to believe in a punishing God. Shoot, you need to believe in God. I don’t believe in either.

Children are conceived and should be raised by their natural family. That was your Gods plan. If for some reason they cannot, their extended family should be considered. The father and his family should be considered. All options should be pursued before you erase a child’s  natural family, change their name, lock up their medical records and fracture their identity forever.

It is not about YOU, Mrs Infertile Prospective Adoptive Mother.

It is about a child. A child who HAS a mother.

Have you considered adopting out of foster care?  AdoptUsKids has a great site and campaign underway.


You don’t want some one else’s problem? You want an infant? Your own child? (I thought we covered this already? I am confused.)

Adoption is not about YOU. Please. For the sake of any child you might acquire, keep it in mind.  You should not be adopting if you seriously, truly are brought to adoption putting your own needs first.

No child wants to be loved for merely what they represent to you. And it sounds in your case, as if they will forever represent the child you could not have but insisted you were owed.

P.S. Green eyes can be shipped to my P.O. Box.

P.P.S. If you read this blog with any amount of regularity, you should know that I support family preservation first. If you need more words than that, please consult my about page and read My Position.

13 Thoughts.

  1. Ahhh…I thank you for being among the few that are on our side. Being a child who was adopted at 2 and kicked back in the system at 14 and religuished at 16 I understand about keeping the children with their NATURAL parents!
    It is important to me to ensure the childrens safety while with foster parents as well…So many are abused and mistreated during this time…some are no better off in foster care then they are with the natural parents!
    I am living proof of that!
    Thanks for sharing and I am still looking for sellers on those green eyes you ordered!

  2. Here, here! Well said!
    And may I say, you are the most prolific blogger. Each and every post a winner. You are my idol, Suz.

  3. That kind of entitlement that exists out there. . .it’s scary and SO infuriating; I have such little tolerance for the mentality that someone owes them a child (read: healthy infant, preferably white, closed adoption).
    Honestly, I just don’t understand.
    Great post, Suz.

  4. Your writing is Awesome! This is a good one I hope you stay with this one.
    I went to lunch with an old friend who adopted a baby. He is now an adult, 30 yrs old. We spent hours talking about misgivings and how angry she is at him. And thru her anger at him said “I did everything for you, even adopted you”!!
    I was sickened. To think that could have been my child that I relinquished because he would have a better home.
    These infertafarters should buy teddy bears to love and play with in their fantasy world of adopting.

  5. I don’t shock easily anymore, but this just blew my mind. It’s frightening. And I wonder how prevalent it is – probably more so than I want to believe.
    I’m really sorry you had to get that email. Shame on whomever wrote it!

  6. The post, very good. You are an excellent writer, I always come away with something.
    The comments? Most equally as insightful, but one remark was unnecessary.
    “infertafarters” ?
    Excuse me? I understand no one owes another their child, but does anyone need to be so nasty about a painful medical condition that many honest and caring people may suffer from? I do not believe they do.

  7. Someone told me today that her daughter recently adopted 2 babies from Korea. She tells me it is getting more difficult to adopt here in the States. To much exhausting paperwork, and the mother can recind her contract of adoption anytime she wants!
    How much do people really know or even care about the child? Except for their own selfish needs. And in the broader scope, how difficult is it for these children to fit into a puzzle outside of their own culture.

  8. To j:
    you are right, I apologize that you may have a medical problem. There are a lot of women who have the same problems and I understand but do they think of the children who are in foster care and are being abused? Now that would be caring and loving for medical related issues.

  9. joyceregina, Good of you to acknowledge and apologize. I personally do not suffer from infertility, but family members do. Not everyone who is infertile chooses to raise children or adopt.

  10. I am thankful my daughter send me your website. Not sure what to call myself…grandmother, first grandmother, natural grandmother. I am the grandmother who loved her before she was born and cried with joy as she entered the world and smiled with joy at the sight of her. I am the shocked grandmother who learned an infertile woman had manipulated by daughter into handing over our families 3 month old bundle of joy in a so called “open adoption.”
    I have read so much about grandmother’s forcing their children to give up the grandchildren and my heart hurts even more. Are their grandparents like me out there or am I a weird person? My daughter is not something to be ashamed of and neither is my grandchild. Why should my daughter suffer and why should I suffer because someone else cannot conceive?

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