Define Support

"Isn’t supporting an expectant mother who wants to surrender (ahem, abandon) her child to adoption still a means of supporting her?"

I admit I struggle with this.

I would want to know, need to know, WHY she wants to surrender her child. I am hard pressed to believe any woman truly WANTS to surrender her child. Most, that I know  (and I know hundreds) HAD to. Big difference between had and want or need and want.

If an expectant mother had money, housing, emotional support, guidance and all the other things women so often lack when it comes to an unplanned pregnancy and still wanted to surrender her child to a closed, domestic, infant adoption, would I support her? Assuming she has been told about primal wound, life long trauma of adoption separation on mother and child and still wants to sign away her child?

Um, I guess I would support her. But what does that mean? Does that mean telling her I think she is doing a good thing? That she is right to give away her child and force her child to a life of closed records, changed names and fractured identities?

I couldn’t do that.

So, I guess I could not support her – not entirely.  Respect it, realize it was her decision, not mine? Yes. That I could do. Chances are I would just not discuss it with her. I would however stay in contact with her for it is highly probable down the road she is going to need a sister to support her when the reality of what she did to herself and her child smacks her hard in the face. Adoption sounds like such a win-win for all involved.  Often the parties touting this win-win are those that will benefit by it (either financial or by receiving the child or by absolving themself of shame) or those with NO knowledge of the pain of surrender.

When the individuals that "support" you stand to profit from your pain and that of your child, I suggest you think long and hard about their motives.

I am agnostic (surprise, surprise).  This means when it comes to religion I often have to part ways with friends on that topic. That doesn’t mean I don’t like them or don’t talk to them, just that I know where they stand and they know where I stand. Dont try to convert me, save me or damn me and I will promise you the same in return.

If a friend were to be faced with an unplanned pregnancy, I would help them identify resources, housing, options, therapists to talk it through with. I would advocate kinship, open adoption and guardianship after all efforts towards family preservation had been exhausted. I would remind them that children always change your life, are always expensive and college can be attended at any time of your life.

Knowing what we know today about the damage of adoption to mother and child, I struggle to support anyone doing it. For me it would be telling them it is okay to abuse their child. For me, and only me, I believe domestic infant adoption – as it stands in the United States today – is a form of child abuse.

I cannot support that.

Furthermore, I choose not to believe that there are women in the world that feel nothing, nada, zilch, nunca, niema nietz for the children they birth.

The very idea of that frightens me deeply.

I dont like the idea of living in a world populated by women who can birth babies and not care.

That type of world is not one I want to live in.

3 Thoughts.

  1. No, not smack. Just not believe her. Because I cannot fathom it.
    I have trouble supporting friends/family who considering adopting. (Luckily it doesn’t come up often.) The ones who already have, I try to educate about the issues — and I pleased to say, I believe I have helped. But when someone is looking to adopt, I have to step away. Even though I do understand why they want it. I know the other side too well.
    How chicken is that?

  2. “”Isn’t supporting an expectant mother who wants to surrender (ahem, abandon) her child to adoption still a means of supporting her?”
    I would have to accept it if I understood her reasons and thought they were legitimate. I don’t think that necessarily adds up to support.

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