â€œReality continues to ruin my life.â€” – Bill Watterson
A friend of mine, a dear darling first mom friend, was contacted recently by a young woman we believe may be her daughter.
My friend has been searching for quite some time and was understandably floored to receive an email from a young lady claiming to be her daughter. Said young lady provided some minor similar details, pictures and her story and the often read adoptee brush off.
Yeah, the brush off. Moms know this. I do.
This is bothering me.Â Bothering me for my friend and bothering me for myself. Big mongo trigger.
I know the feeling. I know what is like to find or be found and be told in rather direct words:
“Okay, you got your look at me, now go away like a good little birth person and let me live my wonderful happy adoptee life. Oh, and btw, thank you so much for giving my wonderful parents such a wonderful gift. I am so awesome and they kiss the ground I walk on.Â I had a wonderful life that I know I could never have had with you.Â My parents are uber-wonderful and I have a fabulous life. I hope this note gives you closure and you can get on with your pathetic life and stop pining over me cuz like my life has been fantabulous without you and I have no intent of disrupting my utopian existence by letting you in on my life. Doing so would crush my lovely parents and you wouldn’t want to ruin the wonderful gift you gave them would you?Â K? Good. Glad we got that straight. See ya. P.S. Attached are some pictures of me so you can get a really good visual along with this email. Don’t expect more. Don’t write me back. Just look at me and move on, k? Thanks. Oh, and could you let me know my medical history and if its not too much trouble, send me a picture of yourself and any other siblings I have. And please remember, I dont want anything from you so please dont expect anything in return.”
Clearly being sarcastic here (although many of these words are lifted and loaded from emails I or friends have received).
When I read the email that this young lady sent to my friend I was catapulted at the speed of light back nearly three years to my own reunion.
Yes, yes, I know. Before the adoptees come out of the woods and throw the spears of their reality at me, let me say this, wrong, right, justified or not, this shit hurts the mothers deeply. While the industry likes to portray us as some unfeeling, unemotional, cold metal and plastic incubators, WE ARE NOT. We hurt. We cry. We mourn. We ache for our children every day of our lives. (And those of us that don’t, are usually the ones that really do but are in such excruciating pain that they deny contact. I am rather adept at emotional flagellation and as such I can handle what many moms cannot.)
I have said before, for me, personally, no amount of book reading, psycho babble, has minimized the pain for ME. The feeling is always there. The feeling of being dismissed, marginalized, ignored, avoided, and lesser than. The only thing that Verrier and Lifton and all the other adoptee “experts” have done for me is allow me to understand their point of view sufficiently enough to respect the need for boundaries. I can understand that the adoptee need to dismiss their mothers is about them and their emotional stability and not about us HOWEVER it takes a great deal of work to stay in that zone.Â Being discarded is still painful no matter the logic behind it. Being dismissed is an enormous trigger back to days gone by. Days when we were not needed, wanted, good enough, married enough, or other.
I remind myself regularly that my daughters decision to not develop a relationship with me does not negate the fact that I am a really cool person. I am funny, creative, intelligent, caring, resourceful, loving, a good friend, sister, daughter and an awesome mother. Her treatment of me does not change any of that.
What it does do is rip open old wounds.
Mothers like me? We were dismissed by our boyfriends, our family, our church, and all that were supposed to help us.Â We (okay, I,) struggle immensely when our children continue the tradition – regardless the reason.
We really aren’t that awful, you know.
We just want to do what every mother wants. What every woman feels deep in her soul upon giving birth.
We want to love our children.
It hurts when they cannot accept us and the love we want to share.Â Whatever the reason (and that includes not being given permission by their uber parents).