“Always go to the source and discover what the truth is.”- Anon
I am not one to get all bent by the birth, barf, birfmudder, labels. I know who I am to my daughter and your labeling or demonizing or dehumanizing me to the level of an incubator reflects more on you than me. Those slurs and associated vitriol generally roll off the tongues of adoptive parents who refuse to accept that they profited off of someone else’s trauma. I get that. Guilt is a bitch to deal with.Â I get that too. But again, it rarely phased me. I just write off those people and don’t let them bug me.
For this reason, I have often felt confused when other mothers did get all up in a hissy about the BM (not to be confused with Bowel Movement) terminology. My sisters who dislike it will say the term is triggering to them. Again, I scrunch up my face and go “huh?” cuz it doesn’t phase me. It is not triggering to me (altho I don’t use it). However, when they say it bothers them I respect it and I do understand what they mean behind the intent. One person can say “birth”mother and mean it with the utmost respect and the other can say “just” the birth mother with total venom. Its the latter folks that usually need to be slapped. (By the way, its no different with “adopter”. I use it as a verb, one who adopts, others use it as some sort of slur. I have adoptive parent friends who aren’t phase by the term and agree, they are an adopter and then I have adopter friends who despise it. As always, I say use what you are comfortable with. Facts are fact. Mothers, Fathers, Adoptive Mothers, Adoptive Fathers)
But again, for me, truths defy labels. I am my daughters mother AND she has an adopted mother.
However, tonight, I came to understand the concept of triggering in an entirely new way. NOW I may understand my sisters mean by being triggered by the bmom term.
It hit me so badly I cannot even embed this here. I must provide a link and give one old huge content warning to any mother who watches this youtube video. You will watch a sobbing mother have her baby taken from her and wheeled away. If you are like me, you will have massive flashbacks of your own experience. You may lose your breath, cry, get a ringning in your ears and fear you will pass out. I did.
I found it on the blog of the amazing Julie (whom I adore). I kinda wish I hadn’t (and thats no slam towards Julie).
But alas, in the words of Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias (right?) “that which does not kill us makes us stronger”.Â Since I am not dead, I will assume my viewing that video made some part of my being stronger.