Imaginary Conversations

"The chain reaction of evil – hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars – must be broken, or else we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation. " Martin Luther King, Jr.

You can never understand. You will never know my pain. I lost more than you. I lost from the day I was born. You only lost since you were 15. You had 15 years of your “real” life before you were forced into losing me and your original life. I hurt more. You can never understand.


You are right. I can never understand. I would never say I do. So where do we go from here?  I agree. You hurt from the first day of your life. You lost me, your original identity, your medical history, your name, your family and more. Since I can never understand, no matter how much I might want to, what can I do? You have said I cannot understand and I agree yet you seem to be angry that I cannot understand. What am I supposed to do? How long are you going to be angry at me and punish me for something I cannot understand and cannot fix?

7 Thoughts.

  1. As long as it takes. Adoption sucks.
    And no two are the same.
    It brings to mind the patience of Job.

  2. What can you do?
    Acknowledge, pray , wait.
    It is a big blow, don’t get defensive, don’t try to fix. Tell your child, if it is true, that you didn’t intend on hurting your child, that you don’t like to hear that your child is hurt. That you care about your child, even if your child can’t care about themselves.
    Think of her like a raised kid, you don’t bond the same way with us. Think of her like you did, if she was hurt, like my son was hurt by my divorce. I didn’t want him to take on my hurt I failed my kid too. Mothers fail their children, it is part of life, just reduce the damage by not being in competition.
    You can help by loving her like you didn’t give her up, and loving her like she doesn’t owe you anything.
    It is not your fault what happened,you don’t have to accept fault, but it is not her fault either. And adoptees, when your journey ends of giving us up, our journey is just beginning of being someone we are not, and attempting the herculean task of compensating for infertility, it is not your fault but still it is.

  3. joy – Gosh, thats a confusng comment. It is not your fault, dont accept fault, ….it is not your fault but still it is.
    You summed up perfectly the utter chaos and confusion caused by adoption and reunion. Love her like you did not give her up (but accept that you did), dont expect her to act like a “real” kid but be sure to treat her like one…goodness. Is it any wonder so many reunions fail? How does any human navigate this successfully? Its crazy making for sure! Thanks, as always, for your thoughts.

  4. Justice – Good to hear from you. Agree that no two are the same. Best advice one could give another. I think too often those of us in reunion think ours should be or will be like someone elses. They arent. Adoption trauma may be the single constant – but our humanness introduces a multitude of variables that make each one unique. Hence, no available guidbooke or set rules. Fly by the seat of your pants and hope for the best.

  5. Cath – I agree completely. Its something I am constantly challenged by. Who hurts more? Does it matter? In the end? I dont think so. The fact that anyone hurts is a tragedy and we should be considerate and caring and mindful of it all. Anyone who is hurting is in pain – the degree of it doesnt matter – pain is pain.

  6. This is just heartbreaking, so hard to imagine living with the frustration, the hurt. It’s a part of adoption that no one is prepared for, yet over a lifetime it could be the longest and hardest time. It makes me very sad to think that someday, what you describe here could be my children’s and their mother’s realities. It’s very hard.
    I hope that a deeper connection for you and your daughter is around the corner.

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