Pieces of Me

“If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again.” – Flavia Weedn

One of my biggest misconception about reunion was how much of me would feel BETTER upon finding my daughter. Oh, dont get me wrong. I certainly did feel better in some ways and I don’t regret reunion at all — as challenging as it is. But over the years, I have to constantly re-evaulate what I expected, why, when, how and more.

My daughter has a penchant for saying "You expect all these things from me and thats going to be a problem for ever". I really dont know what she means by that for I think she expects me to expect things that are entirely different from what I expect. (Did you follow that?).  I believe mixed in with that statement there is truth and there is her own expectations or anxieties. It is often difficult for me to separate the threads of her reality and mine.

In constantly evaluating this, I am always drawn back to Shel Silverstein and "The Missing Piece".  Every time I read this I get a feeling of adoption search and reunion.

My daughter has been a missing piece of my soul  for over 21 years. Finding her filled some of that gap. It did not fill everything and what it did fill still needs some adjusting and refining. The remaning, I am finding, is being filled by resetting my expectations, educating myself, working on myself and realizing that the fulfillment I seek comes from me – not her. I can never get back my child, at least not the child she was supposed to be before the laws of man intervened and changed her name and the course of her life. And while she will tell me "I am not your daughter", I can strongly disagree and say she is, its just that she is not the daughter she would have been.  It is no different from the fact that I am and always was her mother. I am just not the mother I should have been.

Regardless, we are indeed mother and daughter. As one of my favorite adoptee bloggers says, "The pen may be mightier than the sword, but it can’t re-write DNA."  – Wraith

But alas, Shel says it better than I do.

"The Missing Piece By: Shel Silverstein

It was missing a piece.
And it was not happy.
So it set off in search of its missing piece.
And as it rolled it sang this song-
"Oh I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
Hi-dee-ho, here I go,
Lookin’ for my missin’ piece."

Sometimes it baked in the sun
but then the cool rain would come down.
And sometimes it was frozen by the snow
but then the sun would come and warm it again.
And because it was missing a piece it could not very fast so it would stop to talk to a worm
or smell a flower
and sometimes it would pass a beetle
and sometimes the beetle would pass it
and this was the best time of all.
And on it went, over oceans
"On I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
Over land and over seas
So grease my knees and fleece my bees
I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece."
through swamps and jungles
up mountains
and down mountains

Until one day, lo and behold!
"I’ve found my missin’ piece," it sang,
"I’ve found my missin’ piece
So grease my knees and fleece my bees
I’ve found my…"
"Wait a minute," said the piece.
"Before you go greasing your knees
and fleecing your bees…"
I am not your missing piece.   I am nobody’s piece.
I am my own piece.
And even if I was somebody’s missing piece
I don’t think I’d be yours!"
"Oh," it said sadly,
"I’m sorry to have bothered you."
And rolled on.
It found another piece
but this one was too small.
And this one was to big
this one too sharp
and this one too square.
One time it seemed to have found the perfect piece
but it didn’t hold it tightly enough
and lost it.
Another time it held too tightly
and broke.
So on and on it rolled,
having adventures
falling into holes
and bumping into stone walls.

And one day it came upon another piece that seemed to be just right.
"Hi," it said.
"Hi," said the piece.
"Are you anybody else’s missing piece?"
"Not that I know of."
"Well, maybe you want to be your own piece?"
"I can be someone’s and still be mine."
"Well, maybe you don’t want to be mine."
"Maybe I do."
"Maybe we won’t fit…."
"Well…"
"Hummm?"
"Ummmm!"
It fit!
It fit perfectly!
At last! At last!
And away it rolled
and because it was now complete,
it rolled faster and faster.
Faster than it had ever rolled before!
So fast that it could not stop to talk to a worm
or smell a flower
too fast for a butterfly to land.
But it could sing its happy song,
at last it could sing "I’ve found my missing piece."
And it began to sing-
"I’ve frown my nizzin’ geez
Uf vroun my mitzin’ brees
So krease ny meas
An bleez ny drees
Uf frown…"
Oh my, now that it was complete it could not sing at all.
"Aha," it thought.
"So that’s how it is!"
So it stopped rolling…
and it set the piece down gently,
and slowly rolled away
and as it rolled it softly sang-
Oh I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
I’m lookin’ for my missin’ piece
Hi-dee-ho, here I go,
Lookin’ for my missin’ piece."

2 Thoughts.

  1. Do you know, long before the adoption ever took place, The Missing Piece was my favorite book. In the years since placement, it’s taken on new meaning. I think I’ll write about it soon.

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