Home Again

A man’s homeland is wherever he prospers.  – Aristophenes

Back in Chi-town. My home away from my alledged home. I love this city. I mean like seriously freaking love this city.  I smiled again as I approach the city. I smiled as I walked Michigan Avenue. I smile at Water Tower Place and I just well, smile. I am quite confident had I been dressed a bit well, lesser, people would have thought me a mentally ill homeless person. Who walks around North Michigan Ave with a cheshire cat grin on their face?

Tonight I shall dine and and wine and whine (about adoption) with Still Born. I like her.  Shes a smart sassy female and I love sass.

I pondered, yet again, why i love this city so. For the longest time I assumed it was that my daughters presence, her soul, was here with me in this city and for that reason I craved it. Hungered to return and feel the energy that once surrounded my first born child and me. She and I were a crack survival team here. She was the only family I had with me during those tough times. It was for her I lived and for her I survived.

I still think that is partly true but realize more and more it is that because here I suffered my greatest pain. My heart was wide open and feelings were coming at me in full force – unable to be denied. I had not yet learned the masterful art of pretending I was okay.  It was here my heart bled, my soul cried, every cell of my being was awakened to grief and loss. 

I can return and my cells awaken only time and maturity has added new filters and now I can enjoy that awakening to the fullest extent.

And so I shall.