Roles and Trolls

It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do. – Jean Baptiste Molliere

What exactly does one say to a comment like this?

“Can you accept YOUR responsibility in that? Worry about your own role before you go blaming others. There would have been no baby to purchase if she didn’t come out of you, and if you didn’t hand her over and sign the papers. Countless women have been victims of coercion, my own mother included…..but they don’t all give in.”

My role? Which role would that be? The role of eighteen year old girl who had sex with a man she loved and got pregnant? Or is the role of same eighteen year old girl who chose not to abort her child but rather looked for ways to keep, house and feed that child? Is it that role you speak of?

Or perhaps they mean my role as eighteen year old that was housed in a maternity home, one thousand miles from home, with my only contact support coming from the agency that stood to profit form the sale of my child?

Do they mean my role of ignorant young woman who had the legal workings of the adoption system kept from her? Or the role of the honor student, president of student of government, college accepted “high potential” girl who was convinced adoption was better for her child than she was?

Which role are we talking about?

My role in having unprotected sex?  Not that my sex life is anyones business, but I have taken ownership of that. Even the unprotected part. My daughter was conceived in a deep love. Yup.  I understand that role. I don’t regret it. She was meant to be born and she is amazing and beautiful and makes this world a better place.

Ignorance of the damaging affects of adoption and baby brokering? Check. I took responsibility – perhaps too much – for that too.

The fact that she “came out of me” as the commenter so crudely noted? I gladly take responsibility for that. Since she was in me, she had to come out of me. Not sure it could have been done any other way.

Yes, this commenter was an adoptive parent. Yes, I deleted their comment. It was just too crude and offensive to leave (but I still have it in my email). But it did get me thinking about my role. What more can I seriously do? Clearly giving my baby away to someone else isn’t enough? This role business sounds awfully punishing and holier than thou. Didn’t I appease the gods and society at large by surrendering my child? Isn’t that enough?

I have made my story available for legislators. I work with them to change the laws in the State most diseased by this network of agencies.

I have assisted over twenty adoptees and mothers reunite. I pay for search services, look ups, site fees out of my own pocket.

I found my daughter and have welcomed her into my life. I have respected her boundaries.

I have been transparent and open to the internet to help educate others on the trauma of adoption. I have put myself out there to interesting comments so that others can learn and hopefully we can make change.

What more can I do with my “role” ? I am open to suggestions – provided they are constructive, supportive and respectful.

For now, I am chalking that comment up to the source. And I am considering it.

8 Thoughts.

  1. Commenters like that need to ask themselves, would I want my child to be treated the way that you were treated? The way that women continue to be treated?

  2. Commenters like that maybe need to think back and accept their role as infertile childless couples. If you couldn’t get a baby the old fashioned way, maybe that was nature and God’s way of saying you shouldn’t be a parent. Maybe they need to think back to the fact that they cannot have children of their own and will always be raising someone else’s child. And for those that use the bible as a means to say adoption is great and wonderful, remember that Moses on of the first adoptees when back to his people in the end.

  3. What the? Your “role?”
    I’m sorry. But that asinine, insensitive, self-righteous comment has me thinking about all kinds of ROLES that the stupid commenter should have submitted to… you know where my thought process went but I have enough common sense to KEEP MY DARN MOUTH SHUT.
    That said: I think you have fallen into your “role” quite well. Reunion isn’t easy for parents or (adult) children as we’ve seen and heard over decades of stories. Not only have you accepted that role, a reunited mother, graciously, but you have decided to use your experiences to help those that are following in your footsteps. You have taken on a role of mentor and friend to those that need a mentor and friend. You have taken on a role of activist and reformist in areas that are in desperate need of change.
    Your role? You’re following it just fine. Don’t let someone else who is too insecure in their own role get you down. You’re. just. fine.

  4. As an adoptive mother all I can say is that people like this commenter are just total insecure ASSHOLES!
    Mo xoxox

  5. All I can say is ‘wow’. You don’t have to defend yourself in anyway to anyone especially adoptive parents. These comments obviously came from someone who was very angry. Probably about their ‘inability’ to conceive which is very common in women who have struggled with infertility. The sad thing is that this is a very common feeling almost a prejudice. I remember when we first started to share with people we were adopting and we had many people say things to us along these lines. I remember when my brother and his wife suffered from secondary infertility and my brother said to me “Isn’t it something that these fifteen year olds can pop out these babies but we have to go through expensive fertility treatment or adopt the babies those fifteen year olds didn’t want” It was so awful when he said that. And yes…sadly they did go on to adopt a little girl. Adoptive parents need so much education. I know I did. Christine

  6. Hand her over?
    This pathetic excuse for a woman.
    Relegate her to that group of women who life will someday teach a lesson.
    Your writings are extraordinary, Suz.
    You speak of that which is in my heart struggling to come out.
    Think of you often.
    With care, Fran

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