"Never tell a man you can read him through and through; most people prefer to be thought enigmas” – Unknown

enigma (plural enigmas)

  1. Something puzzling, mysterious or inexplicable
  2. A riddle, or a difficult problem

“She’s like one of the guys”, he said. “She’s cool. No worries”

I snickered. One of my staff, a male member of the team, was commenting to another male member that it was okay to swear around me or to tell an off color joke here or there.  The other gent looked relieved.

It’s true though. I am not a prissy, easily offended, girly girl type. I have worked for most of my career in technology which tends to be male dominated. I have more male social acquaintances at work than I do female.

The concerned male staff member that had made the offending comment grinned sheepishly at me. He wasn’t quite convinced.  His friend continued.

“No, man, seriously. I am telling you. It’s fine. Suz is an enigma”, he said.

I laughed.


I have heard that many times in my life. People often find me a bit puzzling, not what they expect, anti-establishment or something. I don’t fit standard cultural norms (obviously since I got pregnant out of wedlock!).   I am told I look and act younger than my age. I have twenty something year old friends. I have seventy year old friends. I have friends that are millionaires and friends that live in homeless shelters. Does that make me an enigma? That I don’t fit the standard mold? I once had a doctor also refer to me as an enigma. Certain medical conditions of mine couldn’t be explained by modern medicine. “Enigma” was my diagnosis. Lovely.

My husband was always amused that I did not mind quickies.  Sure, get it over with, have fun, let me roll over and go to sleep. No need to hold me.  Thanks for the fun. Night night. He consistently joked that I was “like a guy”.  Meh, whatever. I am what I am.

An enigma.

I often feel like an enigma even as a natural mom.  For instance, a recent blog posting by a gifted woman, referred to adoptees being cut out of natural parents wills and estates.  Call me crazy or hopeful or an enigma but since the day I started working my daughter (even while she was still lost to me) was listed as a beneficiary on my life insurance and other estate assets. I once consulted an attorney in Chicago to ask about this. What if I died before my daughter was found? Would they find her? Would they give my estate to her? What would happen if they could not? Would it go to a secondary beneficiary?

Prior to marrying and having other children, I considered my daughter my only next of kin. Sure, she is also someone else’s but she’s mine as well. I never wanted to leave anything to my parents. After all, they might be dead before me. My siblings? Nah. It seemed natural to me that my daughter be listed, included, part of any assets that should be split.

Now, of course, I am astute enough to realize she might detest this. She experiences discomfort in getting small gifts from me. Imagine getting an inheritance from the mother who surrendered you? Again, it seems natural to me. She is my child. No different than the sons I am parenting. Not to me. There is no distinction. I love them all equally whether they are here with me or not.

But I can understand how it would seem odd to her.  I would hope that should the day ever come (and I actually have something to distribute) that she accepts it with the love and caring was behind it. If she cannot, I hope that she would consider donating it to a charity that supports young mothers.


2 Thoughts.

  1. LOL You know, you sound just like me! I was just accused of being “too detached–and liking to have too much sex–almost like a guy” by the last guy I dated
    Just wanted to let you know I love your post and I feel I relate alot to you. I’m a mother of adoption loss as well.
    Thank you for writing

  2. AJ and I have talked about Mom C’s will and the assumption that I will be left out of it. Strangely, it’s ok with me. Just like my sister claims the title of the only granddaughter, my reunited status only goes so far. It is what it is. Good thing my aparents are loaded. LOL. Miss you so much, Suz. Love, Rebecca

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