"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.â€ – David Borenstein
I just purchased tickets to Chicago for four days in July. I am ecstatic. Silly that a Midwestern city produces so much glee.
It just does.
Many have commented over the years that they find it so strange that the city that took my daughter would be considered my home. I could never explain it. I understood their point but I never felt that way. Yes, I lost her there. But it is also the only place I had her. It is comforting. She is there. If only in my dreams and in the cells of my body that remember her inhabiting me, she is there.
Yes, I suffered more traumas in that city than anywhere or at any point of my life.
Yet, it is home. It is the city I found (and lost) me.
It occurred to me today that the reason I adore it is that it is there that I feel the most alive. It was there that I was the most vulnerable, my soul and body were both stripped naked and beat to the core. But when you are that raw, you feel that much more. When you are that open, you let more in.
When I left Chicago and lost my daughter, my mind and body closed itself off from feeling too much. Feeling hurt and it hurt deeply. I went into what some would call â€œthinkingâ€ mode and focused on survival on every level. Food, money, housing, education but never, ever did I allow myself to feel. Feeling might make me think of my daughter. Feeling might bring back those night terrors. Feeling might make me want to kill myself again. Feeling might make me cry and this time I might not be able to stop.
It is no surprise that now, a healthier me, can go back to that city where I felt all that pain but now I can feel joy. My heart opens. My face smiles and I frolic. Now I can walk Michigan Avenue and I can actually afford to shop there. Now I can stay in hotels downtown (instead of maternity homes) and hop the El to Lincoln Park and Wrigleyville where I once lived. Now I can visit with friends that I have helped to reunite. Now I can walk by the hospital my daughter was born in and taken from and I smile.
Itâ€™s a happy place to go to.
A place I can feel.
And feeling can be a very good thing.