Back to the Future

Hi there.

I know I have been avoiding you. I want to help you. You need a lot of help. I am sorry that this help will come a bit too late but perhaps somehow, somewhere, in some parallel universe it will make a difference.

I know you are lonely and frightened. You are alone. You are over a thousand miles from home. There is no one around you that you know (well, except for the child inside you). I know you all too well and you are trying to put on a happy face, pretending that you can handle it and that you are alright.

You aren’t. I know it and you know it. 

Trust your feelings. Trust your instincts. You think something is wrong with Easter House? It is. You won’t find this out until it’s too late. But trust your instincts. Those odd glances you get from the home director? The hushed tones? The way the Easter House moms are singled out and treated different? You are right to question that.

Don’t trust Colleen. She is not your friend. She appears to be your friend. You are hanging on to her since she is so nice and seemed to care so much. She doesn’t care. She wants the child in your body. She doesn’t give a crap about you. You are going to tell her soon that you want to keep your child and she will tell you that keeping is not an option. She will tell you that you will be sued. She will tell you that your parents signed a promissory note and they will sue them too. She will remind you  of your age and your lack of a job and she will tell you there are parents who have everything you don’t and that they deserve her and you don’t.

DON’T LISTEN TO HER. You deserve her and she deserves you. And the best thing you can give her is you. Her mother. You do have value.

You are eighteen years old. Your parents are not legally responsible for you. Let her try and sue you. She will intimidate you, threaten and even bribe you with food and maternity clothing.

I wish I would be there to help you. I wish you would know then what I know now.

They have been lying to you. There is no such thing as a semi-open adoption. They will not send you pictures. It is a lie. They are using that hope, that love for your child, to get you to sign her over to them.

Legal information has been with held from you. Try and sneak out to the DePaul University Library. Go research your rights. I know you trust them to tell you the truth. Don’t trust them. They are using your naiveté, your fear and your love for your child to their benefit.

Go and research their licensing status. Contact WFSB in CT and find out about the video tape they have. Find out about the investigation being conducted. Find out why they had to take you out of your home state.

And him. Yeah. I know. You miss him. I know the letters you have been writing him but not mailing. I know what you are thinking, and feeling. I see the tears you cry each night as you retire to your empty sterile room. I hear those sobs.

What you don’t know is that he is sobbing too. He is destroyed. He is missing you. He is afraid and engaging in self destructive behavior to manage his own emotions.  Don’t hate him. He loves you. Not the way you need him too but he loves you with all his heart.

I wish I could hug you now. I know you need it. You are wise to trust JM and Carole. They are good friends. They will remain so for years to come. The mutual trauma of being in that place will bond you forever.

You are strong. Believe in yourself. Don’t believe in them. They don’t have your best interests or the best interests of your child at heart. They have their own best interests in mind. Twenty thousand dollars of best interest.

I have to go now but I will write you again soon.

I love you and I love your baby girl.

Me

4 Thoughts.

  1. Suz, this was so beautiful. Sigh. I wish she (you) could really read it. You’re right… maybe in some parallel universe.
    Love Jane xoxo.

  2. I’m a big believer in writing letters to past ages.
    There was this really old Catholic doctrine that was dropped through the ages, and I believe I had read it originated from some of the older pagan Greek mysteries where empathy felt in the present enables someone in the past to endure. I think that’s a pretty powerful image.
    I think it doesn’t matter if someone views it spiritually or simply as an affirmation, either way I believe it has a benefit. This letter was sad and beautiful. XXXXXX

  3. Hi, Suz, this is incredibly touching. I’ve missed reading you these past couple of weeks, I have a lot to catch up on when life settles down. I’m glad I stopped by and read this one.
    It’s sad in so many ways, to me mostly because it shows how others prey on the insecurities of women who need support more than anything. Very sad indeed.

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