Seeing Stars

“To be a star, you must shine
your own light, follow your own path, and don’t worry about the
darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest” – Unknown

I have begun preparing my daughters birthday package. It’s a few months early but I do that on purpose. I spend a great deal of time pondering the right gift, the meaning, the packaging, shipping, writing the notes, etc. It’s a project. I enjoy it.

I also have to watch her school calendar as I am only permitted to send her packages to school. I have to watch when she will be there, when breaks are, etc. so that she gets it. I usually send stuff early and ask her to not open until the actual date. I have no idea of she waits or not. I am not sure I could.  I stress a lot about the calendar and shipping. I always send return receipt so I can be sure it got there. She goes to school less than an hour from my home, in the neighboring state so it doesn’t have to go far.

I also put effort into gifts that have meaning but are small and transportable. Don’t want her to have to get stuff home or make it something she has to explain. She once told me that I was not permitted to ever send anything to her aparents home as “they don’t appreciate your existence” or something like that. (Yeah, go ahead, wince, I did).

Many people have questioned why I put such effort into her when I get so little back. I can only say one thing. It’s what a mother should do. Is supposed to do. It’s called unconditional love. I don’t give to get back (though a thank you or acknowledgement is often very much appreciated). I give because I enjoy doing it. I want to make her smile. I want her to feel loved. End of story.

Does it hurt that I don’t get feedback? Thank yous? Acknowledgement? Sure. Of course it does. Will I stop? No. A wise man recently told me sometimes you have to wait for those you love to love you back. 

I have a bit of theme to her gift package this year. Stars. I cannot write much. I have trolls and stalkers and I don’t want them to clue her into it. I don’t want anyone to rain on my parade.

I can say that the night she was conceived I saw a shooting star. I have never seen once since. I am quite sure the moment I saw the star was the instant she was conceived. I wont go into how I know, just trust me, I know.

During all my dark years before I found her, I would often look to the stars and talk to her. I figured it was one thing we did have in common. We were both seeing the same stars in the sky. Our perspective might be different but we both saw the night sky. I used to look up to the heavens and talk to the stars. I would have conversations with the stars and with her. I believed that that the stars would bounce back my love to her wherever she was. She might even be looking up at the stars at that exact moment and might be feeling the love from the heavens.

This birthday is kind of a big one for her. She will be “legal”. I reflected on my own time of turning that age and I tied in some of my own birthday experiences into the gifts. I hope she likes them. I did warn her a few weeks back that I was spending a tad bit more money this year since it was a bigger birthday. She is uncomfortable accepting gifts from me.  Fortunately, even with her discomfort she accepts them and sometimes she writes me wonderful cool emails afterwards remarking on them. That’s a wonderful gift right back at me.

4 Thoughts.

  1. Yes it is nice Sue…parenting is a one-way street. We do for our kids because thats what parent do, not to expect anything back. Parents are just happy knowing their kids are safe and hopefully making good decisions for themselves. Of course we do like them to acknowledge our existance every once in awhile too 🙂 The gift of stars sounds very cool. I hope she understands what you are trying to convey…she will someday. After all, she is her mother’s daughter!

  2. Suz,
    It’s absolutely lovely that you put so much thought into your daughter’s b-day gifts. Who knows…she may not be used to gifts of that quality and doesn’t know quite how to react, especially if she feels unworthy (even subconsciously) as many of us adoptees do. When somebody shows any special regard for me, I become rather uncomfortable and sometimes even a little suspicious…like…what do they want?…I don’t deserve this. Just a thought.
    Ouch–the a-parents saying they didn’t like to think of your existence. Course not. They probably think their daughter was magically fated to be theirs. Umph.
    Lastly (finally)…back to the trouble you take. It’s both unconditional AND acknowledging her as her own person…a truly lovely gift. My mother didn’t send me a birthday card although she did mail a Xmas one, but simply signed her name. It just seemed so….impersonal…made me feel yukky instead of good. Maybe when your daughter is ready to dealwith “adoption issues” she’ll be in a better place to appreciate your efforts.

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