"Its taken me all my anger
And taken me all of my hate
To learn how my life came together
Releasing the demons……again"
One of the few things that has continued to rage in my soul relates to my caseworker.
I want to yell at her. Hollar. Kick. Maybe scream a bit. I want her to tell me the truth. The real truth. What she knew, what she didnt, why she did what she did. I want her to explain her lies.
Of course, I dont really expect an answer. I dont expect her to admit to any wrong doing. But I am still all busted up with anger. I must let it go. Its all part of the forgiveness path I am on. I am tired of thinking of her and getting all agitated.
So, I wrote her. Yeah, its an angry, harsh, letter but it had to be, dontcha think? That was the whole point. To get the anger out of me. To release it. Literally. I wrote the letter, enclosed my cards, along with a printout of babybrokerwatch.com and a few pictures of my daughter and myself.
And I plopped it into the mailbox. Off went the package. If she responds, great. If she refers some one to me, even better. If she does nothing, at least I am letting it go. I said my piece. I stood up for the frightened girl (me) that she took advantage of all those years ago.
"Dear C1 â€“
In the nearly twenty one years since I lost my daughter to the baby broker named X XXX, I have learned a great deal. I have learned I was lied to, coerced and intimidated into surrendering her. I have learned that adoption is a tragedy for nearly all concerned (except the brokers that is). I have learned that I should have been presented with options, real viable options, which would have enabled me to keep my daughter.
Sequestering a teenage mother in a maternity home and having her only contact be with the brokers who stood to profit mightily from the sale of her child, does not promote freedom of choice. It promotes coercion and intimidation.
When my only options were to surrender my daughter or be sued by the agency, there is no choice. There is intimidation. I clearly remember you informing me of the promissory note that my parents signed and how I would be sued by XXX if I did not surrender my daughter.
How did you live with this C1?
Many would think that since I have found and reunited with my daughter GIVEN NAME now renamed AMENDED NAME, that I should be content.
I am not.
I am still outrageously angry and disappointed at the individuals who perpetrated this rape of my soul and that of my daughters.
You were one of those people, C1.
I have tried to understand, I really have. I simply donâ€™t. I believed back then that you were my friend and that you cared about me. I realize now that was part of the plan. The hook, so to speak. Befriend a lonely abandoned girl, lie to her and then brainwash her into surrendering her daughter. It was only after the fact that I learned I was not a person, I was an incubator. I was a machine to be used to produce a product to be sold on the grey market. A product that wealthy, married, adopters deserved and I did not.
How much were they paying you? How much did you personally make in acquiring my child for sale?
More importantly, did you ever care? Truly, about me, my child, and our futures? Or was it a business transaction to you?
I realize I cannot change the past, at least not entirely. I have done what I could. I have found my daughter. I am developing a relationship with her. I have also found and reunited over twenty mothers and children who were also soul-raped by XXX and his network of agencies. I am working to educate the public on the damage of adoption. I am assisting other young, pregnant mothers to keep their children. I find great solace in that.
Many are working to stop M2, X2, X and their ilk. I help them where I can. However, my primary focus is elsewhere. My goal is to undo as much of the damage they did as possible. I run a website, a support group and provide free search assistance to those who are interested in reuniting. We have been quite successful.
With all I have done and continue to do, one fact continues to elude me.
Please tell me, if you can, one of the following:
1. You knew of the wrong doing and supported it.
2. You were not aware.
3. You naively believed that what you were doing was right.
4. You were unaware of the damaging effects of adoption on mother and child.
5. You simply did not care. I was indeed an incubator. A means to an end for you and Richard Pearlman and the crew.
6. Or other.
Permit me to come to some conclusion and cease this endless banter in my head. Allow me to comprehend once and for all if you cared about me or not. If you cannot answer me, or simply choose not to, please at least keep my card and my information. If someone else should find you, if another soul-raped mother or child should contact you, please refer them to my site."