“What Ive felt
What Ive known
Never shined through in what Ive shown
So I dub the unforgiven”
– Metallica (rock on!), “The Unforgiven”
He might have actually gotten me. I mean, I think he did, at least got me good enough to make me think about this for hours,
Forgiveness was the topic in therapy today.Â I am very good, I think, at forgiving others. I achieved great things in forgiving my Dad, even my daughters father. I dont hold any negative emotions, grudges, etc. against them. I can see theirÂ human-ness. We have talked, shared, they have apologized. They arent monsters. They did not intend to hurt me. They just didÂ Â what they could given what they had. End of story.
Same for others. Even in my marriage and the troubles I have had there. I am good at accepting the faults of others, again, their human-ness. My husband may argue I carry grudges at times. I would tell him to look at himself and consider the possibility of projective identification.
Whoah. Thats an entirely different story.
How can I?
How can I forgive myself for surrendering my daughter to adoption?
I mean, like, who DOES that? (Hundreds of us obviously).
I can talk to another mom and I dont think badly of her. I feel, hurt, sad. I want to hug her. I want to tell her its okay. I understand. But me? Tell myself the same thing?
Uh, I dont think so. I just cannot.
It doesnt matter that I was in a maternity home.
It doesnt matter I was lied to.
Threatened with lawsuits.
Shamed my parents.
Had no home.
Was only 17.
No knowledge of the process.
No legal consultations.
No objective third party.
Never told of revocation.
Never told of other options.
Primal wound? WTF is that?
It doesnt matter.
And why doesnt it matter?
Because of that deep dark feeling I had the entire time. I KNEW in some dark recess of my heart and soul, in some cell of my brain, that what I was doing was wrong. I knew it was not what I wanted to do. Yet I did it. I allowed them to take my child.
Something was terribly terribly wrong with the agency. With the situation BUT I DID NOT QUESTION IT. I did not voice it.
How many times have I said being ignorant to the law doesnt make you exempt from it. I comitted a crime and I must be punished.
Its unforgiveable. Truly.
But you know. I dont want this monkey on my back anymore. Its killing me. THe weight of my lack of forgiveness of self is crippling me and other relationships. I just cannot go on like this.
So, we discuss it. How do I do this? Does it really matter? Its not like when I am angry at others. I am only hurtng myelf.
WRONG, he tells me.Â I am also hurting my daughter and my two sons.
Huh? What? I dont..oh, sheeeet, I get it.
I am teaching them, even if indirectly, that if I can never be forgiven for my mistakes they can never make or be forgiven for theirs. They will learn from me that you can never forgive yourself.
Guh. Shit. Had to use the role model card against me. Had to pull THAT out.
But, but, no, see, isnt forgiving myself like saying its okay? Condoning my behavior? Its not okay. It will never be okay.
“In the absence of self forgiveness, you run the risk of:
- Unresolved hurt, pain, and suffering from self-destructive behaviors.
- Unresolved guilt and remorse for self-inflicted offenses.
- Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks toward yourself.
- Being caught up in unresolved self anger, self hatred and self blaming.
- Defensive and distant behavior with others.
- Pessimism, negativity, and non-growth oriented behavior.
- Having a festering wound that never allows the revitalization of self healing.
- Fear over making new mistakes or of having the old mistakes revealed.
- Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non approval, low self-esteem, and low self worth.”
Oh, shut up.