"We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
We didn’t start the fire
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it"
– Billy Joel, We Didn’t Start the Fire
God danged it I hate when people should on me. Thatâ€™s right, should on me. Like shit on me.
I hate when people tell me I should think this, should do that, and yeah, I should believe in adoption healing and I should do it this way.
Donâ€™t they realize how triggering that is? To be should on?
- I should place my daughter.
- I should be a good girl.
- I should say what people want to hear.
- I should sign on this dotted line.
- I should not ask questions.
- I should not speak unless spoken to.
- I should trust that those who studied psychology know me better than I know myself.
- I should not say I am struggling with the healing concept.
- I should not say something because some stranger on the internet may read it, take my word as gospel and the world will end.
- I should not be angry or bitter or sad becuase losing my daughter was a GOOD thing.
What and what?
I am not an idiot. I understand that some believe in adoption healing and that they believe it can be done only one way. I understand people who are therapists, psych students, those that are recovered have made it through the rain or believe itâ€™s possible. Right now, I donâ€™t. Isnâ€™t that part of therapy and recovery? Isnâ€™t the first step to recognizing you have a problem is stating it? Donâ€™t you at some point question what you are hearing and being told? Donâ€™t you have to ruminate on it, think about it, try it out, debate its pros and cons?
Why would anyone (friend, therapist, stranger on the Net) tell me my feelings are wrong?
Not that I donâ€™t think its possible to lessen the pain but that I donâ€™t think the pain will go away. Whatâ€™s wrong with accepting and not letting it hurt anymore? Maybe the others are right but thatâ€™s for them to know and me to find out. Donâ€™t should on me. Thats where I am at now.
Someone implied that since I am so well spoken and well read (huh?) that it is my responsibility to preach the possibilities, the hope, and the promise of healing. Um, hello, if I do not currently believe that doesnâ€™t that make me a hypocrite? Someone who doesnâ€™t truly believe what she is saying but would say it because others say itâ€™s true? (Again, Hello, Trigger! Adoption is wonderful!). Furthermore, my responsibility is first to ME.
And good golly, yeah, maybe inner child work is the way to go and maybe I will eventually â€œdo the workâ€. And maybe, before I do the work I will drink potions, stand naked in the woods, turn around three times, hop on one foot and scream â€œOOOGAâ€ with the hope that adoption trauma wont hurt anymore. Maybe I will visit a psychic in NYC, a monk in Tibet, maybe I will walk backwards for an entire day, wear mismatched socks.. Maybe I will read more books. Attend more support meetings and then PRAISE JESUS I will believe. Right now, my focus is on acceptance. For me, for now, that is healing.
I am not a therapist. I donâ€™t proclaim to be one. I donâ€™t play one on TV. I refer people to therapists.. I encourage people to get themselves help and not use blogs, support groups or other as a substitute for real professional help.
I have a therapist and he is wonderful. He believes adoption is wrong and he validates me weekly. He makes me think. He makes me feel understood. He makes me feel safe to express myself. He and I discuss my dreams, Jung, Freud, Hellinger and many other cool things. He helped me go from thinking to feeling.
If you come here and you read my personal views, opinions and experiences and view them as guidance â€“ you SHOULDnâ€™t. (Sorry about that shoulding but in that case its true) Perhaps I need a side bar disclaimer?
If you come here and my personal views and experience offends you and your personal experience, donâ€™t come here.
If you want to come here to preach the glories of adoption and tell me how wonderful it is, please donâ€™t. I can find plenty of places to find out all that is good with adoption.
If you feel defensive, donâ€™t read. This blog isnt about you, its about me. It isnt for you. Its for me. Or better yet, read a bloggers disclaimer. Try learning blogging etiquette.
I gladly welcome validation, support, understanding and kindness for me, mothers of loss and adoptees. I donâ€™t tolerate attacks, rudeness directed at myself or others. The delete function is my friend. We have all been hurt too much and too deeply. Crimes against our soul.
My blog is for me. Itâ€™s a creative outlet. I do it for me and I share it with others so that others (mainly mothers of loss) may find comfort in knowing that they are not alone. Too many of us are locked in the closet, afraid to voice our opinions and feelings out of fear that they donâ€™t matter, we will be should on and told to be a good little girl and go away (or give awayâ€¦our children). I share one percent of my story here. Dont make assumptions based on what you read. You dont know my entire story as I dont know yours.
If you have something to say, a strong opinion, get yer own blog.
(And yes, while this little rant was triggered by my friend Joe and Johns comments, what fed the fire was the numerous emails I got privately.)