"Every stress leaves an indelible scar, and the organism pays for its survival after a stressful situation by becoming a little older." – Dr. Seleye

Random things I think about:

Thought 1 Why would any adoptee want to meet the biological family that discarded the adoptee and his/her mother?

Maybe that statement shows a bitter unforgiving side of myself but I gotta say, when I put myself in the shoes of an adoptee, I find myself hard pressed to want to run and meet the people that discarded my mother and myself. (And yes, this question comes to my mind over the past two years when I tried to understand my daughters lack of desire to meet).

Is this just me projecting and being ridiculous or do some adoptees actually think this?

Thought 2 – I often refer to myself as a survivor or a scrappy fighter. I am nothing compared to my daughter.  She  survived being surrendered at 3 days old, left with strangers, passed to more strangers, and left to grow up with even more strangers.  She did this without the ability to feed herself, talk, or walk. Sure, they became her family and took care of her. But she took care of herself first.

(And I find that awful).

Thought 3 – Adoptees often have intense fear of abandonment (gee, I wonder why?). I wonder if this might make some prone to stay in abusive relationships? Or conversely, would it make some more prone to leave (better to leave than be left?). I also wonder the same thing about natural moms. Moms who have been abandoned, discarded, branded, who work so hard to be a "good girl". Would they stay in an abusive relationship versus leave?

5 Thoughts.

  1. ok suz… you know me and you know how i feel about things… but allow me to be devil’s advocate for a moment… i can answer thought 1 Why would any adoptee want to meet the biological family that discarded the adoptee and his/her mother? if i understand this correctly you are wondering why your daughter would want to meet the rest of your family??? i can say probably for the same reason why the adoptee wanted to meet their mother… because technically the mother discarded the adoptee (though in reality we know there are other circumstances)… for example… my grandparents are no longer alive… they are the ones that told my mother she could not come home with me… if they were alive i would want to meet them because i know that they were doing in their hearts what they thought was best for their daughter and granddaughter… and i forgive them… just like i forgive my mother… does that make sense???

  2. joy – i saw your post and commented. again, think this question says far more about me and how i must still work on my anger than it does about my daughter or any adoptee. but your post was good.
    i also suppose that to some degree an adoptees desire to meet the family that discarded her/him (for whatever reason) is not that different from a mothers desire to meet an adoptee that rejects her. it goes both ways.
    primal for sure.

  3. It doesn’t matter how poorly or how well our family treats us, they are still our family. We deserve the right to acknowledge (and be acknowledged) that connection. It is basic human instinct regardless of the circumstances.
    As for the abandonment issue I did/do struggle with it and yes, it did make me stay in abusive relationships for many years. I think in varying degrees feelings of abandonment are always a bi-product of adoption. However, in all fairness there were other issues that had to do with my adoptive parents that played into that fear as well.

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