Writing My Wrongs

I spoke with the surgeons office and confirmed the date of my surgery – June 8. I call and email my husband and let him know same. I begin to look into other areas (applying for short-term disability, reassigning some of my work to members of my staff, researching insurance coverage and more) when I start to have some dark thoughts.

The surgery will take six to eight hours. There is a 2% morbidity rate. There are the standard risks associated with general anesthesia and oh, yeah, all those risks that come along with spine/disc/etc surgery. My heart races a bit from anxiety and I realize I am just freaking myself out. I assure myself that if something unexpected should happen I have a great husband, a good job, good coverage and I will manage. I have been through a great deal in my life and I have come out the other side. I can handle this too. Even if the worst should happen (that 2% morbidity) my children, well, my sons anyway, are taken care of. I have all my estate planning documents, wishes, etc. documented, approved and shared with the right people. My sons would have their father and other members of my family. My daughter? Well, she is grown and on her own and has no desire for contact. Should I give orders to someone to contact her in a worst case scenario situation, I wonder? Would she want to know?

My heart begins to race again at the thoughts of death and my children. I am struggling to work as I need to. Decide to pop on some headphones, listen to some music and continue my analysis of the search data. I am attempting to produce an aging report and determine how long it takes me to implement simple meta data changes.

As I reach for the headphones in the top drawer of my desk, my work phone rings.

“Good afternoon. This is Suz” I say.

“Is this Suz Bednarz?” the caller asks.

“Yes, it is. How can I help you?” I respond.

“Oh, hi, this is Dr. S’s office. I am his physicians assistant. I am calling to tell you that he wants to schedule a CT scan. He forgot to tell you that when you were in the office last week.” the assistant shares.

“Oh, okay. That is fine. What do I need to do?” I ask.

“Well, first I have to get approval from your insurance company. I will handle that with our office staff. Once I get the approval, we will schedule it for you and give you a date. Is any date or time better than others?” she asks.

“No, not really. My schedule is pretty flexible. I can accommodate early morning, daytime, evening. I prefer to go to [specific radiology location]” I state.

“Okay. Good to know. In addition to the CT scan, I was calling to give you my name and contact details. I will be your primary point of contact before and after the surgery. I will be with you all along the way” she says in a very chipper voice.

“Great. What was your name again?” I ask.

“Amber. My name is Amber.”

I choke on my next breath. The person that will be with me “all along the way” carries the same name my daughter did at birth.

Never Let Me Go

The movie Never Let Me Go is a dystopian drama based on Kazuo Ishaiguro’s 2005 novel of the same name. The film stars actors Carey Mulligan, Keira Knightley and Andrew Garfield playing the roles of Kathy, Ruth and Tommy, respectively.

On the surface the movie appears at first to be the story of a boarding school young love triangle between Kathy, Ruth and Tommy. As the film progresses, the viewer learns that all three characters are scientific specimens that have been created for the sole purpose of providing their organs to severely ill patients. The children are “born” and raised at a school named Hailsham. The students are called Donors and Carers. Technically all are Donors but until you are indeed donating you are caring for the Donors while they recover from their surgeries. You remain a Carer until you become a donor.

Ruth, the role played by Kiera Knightly, is consumed during the movie with finding her “double”. It is never stated yet can be easily assumed that her double is the person whom she was cloned after, the original owner of the DNA pumping through her Donor veins. Since the children of Hailsham are created in a laboratory and raised in the school, they technically have no parents yet they are somehow aware they come from somewhere. There is a touching scene where Kiera goes into town due to a reported sighting of her double. She is anxious and giddy and short of breath at the idea of seeing her double. She does not seem to be seeking the other version of herself but rather where she came from, a parent or family of origin. Disappointingly, she does not find her double rather she finds out she has been mislead.

I felt empathy for these characters. They were people, they loved, and they cried, they fought, and they deceived. They possessed, as we learn late in the movie, a soul, which we also learn is the criteria for being viewed as human (yet somehow, oddly, not guaranteed all the rights associated with non donor humans… sound familiar?).

The film critic Roger Ebert says in his review of the movie “Greater love hath no man, than he who gives me his kidney, especially his second one”. I wonder what he would say about a woman (Donor) that gives her child, especially her only one, to another woman dying for a child she cannot have on her own.

While I found a great deal of the film to parallel adoption, nothing touched me more than the title – Never Let Me Go. The title, along with the plot line, reminded me that I, and so many other mothers like me, should never have let go of our children. We should never have allowed them to be Donor children for those that could not conceive their own. We should have been their Carers.