It strikes me now now as a bit cold, guarded and overly mature. Realizing I was rather precocious since Kindergarten the maturity doesn’t really strike me as much as the lack of emotion.  I still smile at my forethought to copy it verbatim for myself. I remember thinking it would be a tool to make a match when I found her.

I have no idea if the agency ever gave this to my daughters adoptive parents. If they did, I have no idea if they ever gave it to her. Based on what she told me about her adoptive parents and the things that have transpired in our reunion I am going to guess they did not.

Here, read it,  and feel free to say to yourself (or me, gently, in a comment) “Really?”

Letter to my Daughter dated May 19, 1986 (the day I surrendered her to Easter House):

My darling daughter -

Your life is all I have to give you. Treat it well. Nourish it. Replenish it and love it.  For love is what enabled me to give you this life.

If I could give you something of myself, I’d give you my strength to carry on. To endure, to go forth. Though the winds of life may bend you, you must always push on.  You must always pray that tomorrow will be better than today.

It is this strength, my daughter, that enables me to let go of your beautiful face and to carry on.  Though my heart is torn and tattered, it is my heart, my inner soul, and if I give you nothing, I give you my love.

Happy trails my darling Amber.

- Susan Bednarz, May 19, 1986

The second sentence in the second to last paragraph doesn’t even make sense.  Note how I call her my daughter but I sign it my full name, not your mother, or anything like that? Love enabled me to give you life?  Actually it was her father’s sperm.  I remember fearing the agency would read this letter as well as the adoptive parents (at least one party probably did) and I was so worried about what I couldn’t say.  I suspect even in surrendering I was trying to look all smarty and capable.

Sad, really.

The Care Center is hosting a reading at the Odyssey Bookshop in South Hadley.  Students from The Care Center will read from their second volume of poetry and sign books. Details on the event page. Books will be available for purchase.

This month Chloe + Isabel by Suz is supporting the Illinois Caucus for Adolescent Health. They work in partnership with youth and adult allies across Illinois to:

1. Increase access to and equity of adolescent sexual health care services.
2. Increase access to and equity of sexuality education in schools and communities.
3. Ensure support for pregnant and parenting youth to complete their educational goals.

Learn more about them at their site.

As always, shop here! 

Today I lost them all.  I am only mildly upset by it. Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.  More recent years emails are on my gmail but somehow, I feel like I lost a baby blanket or something. The first few items I was granted upon reunion, her words, no matter how difficult they were.  Gone.

Perhaps what is most interesting about this event is that I lost them in the act of trying to locate another file, a draft of my memoir. I recently joined a writing group and I have begun making serious progress on my book.

Perhaps I had to lighten the load I was carrying before I could add more to it.

I don’t know.

Perhaps I am trying to put a positive spin on something really pretty upsetting.

I am a mother who surrendered her first born child to a closed adoption in 1986.  Unlike Kate Vaughn, the protagonist, in the book titled And Then I Found You, I did not do so willingly and unlike Kate Vaughn I did not have family support and keep raise my child. However, much like Kate Vaughn, I was deeply traumatized by the loss of my child to adoption. All future relationships were negatively affected by that experience and I am still in therapy attempting to work through it 27 years later. I did find my child and I remained in love with her father for more than half my life.  Unlike Kate, I did not get to marry him and have a happy ending (well, I did but not with him).

I offer that context to explain why I feel Patti Callahan Henry did it a very good job showing effects of adoption surrender on a mother – regardless her reasons for placing.  It is clear the author is related to the person she based the book on for only through direct experience, in depth knowledge, could an author capture the feelings so well.

I don’t want to spoil it but I do want to say I recommend it for my readers here. There is not much about Emily (the daughter) in the book, there is even less about the adoption process, agency or adoptive parents (though the adoptive mother Elena is a tad bit infuriating at points).  The story is all about Kate, her feelings, her loss, her managing following that loss, her inability to connect and maintain relationships.  All very familiar concepts for me.

If you have read or do intend to read, come back here and tell me your thoughts!  (Very interesting to also compare the prospective adoptive mother in the earlier book I read to the expectant mother in this one.)

I don’t have much to say about it. It wasn’t awful. In fact, it was probably brutally honest, only another adoptive mother would know for sure. I found the main character annoying and whiny. I resented the fact the entire book referred to expectant mothers as birth mothers. You aren’t a birth mother until AFTER you have surrendered and even then you are only so if you view yourself that way.

I had visceral reactions to the agency professionals portrayed in the book. (And really, Smith Chasen? Why not just spell out Spence Chapin). The books perpetuates the crackwhore scammer birth mother myth. For a few pages it  made me want to revisit my essay proposal based on my Scam I Am  post to show that the same sorts of things happen to other members of the adoption plane.

A twitter friend asked me if the book ended with the PAP’s “winning” (interesting choice of words). Presumably, yes, they did but that is not covered. It appears to end when they are matched.

I have not listened to the NPR interview of the author/adoptive parent. I am not sure I will.

I do recommend this book for expectant mothers considering surrendering their child to open or closed adoption. It gives a VERY interesting and disturbing look into what happens to PAPs and what agencies do and say.

I am now reading another book that is hitting much closer to home – Then I Found You.

Gulp. I am probably only twenty percent into it and I have twice had to put it down due to being choked up with tears. Too many parallels between me and my life and the protagonist, Kate.

Has anyone read this latest book?  Would love to know your thoughts if you have.