If you asked me about adoption 10 years ago – I would have told you it saved all our lives: mine, my daughter’s and her adoptive parents. Ask me now: Pollyanna is dead.

Mother’s Day came and went and I was OK, but the day after, another story. I started this battle with myself: “what do you expect, you are not her “real” mother – you didn’t raise her”, “reunion isn’t fun or new anymore and she doesn’t want to disrespect her “real” mother”… and then I became angry and thought to myself “YOU ARE HER REAL MOTHER!”. (Here is where I welcome people to call me selfish, unrealistic and/or unreasonable – I don’t care.) I absolutely feel, without me, NONE OF THEM WOULD BE CELEBRATING MOTHER’S DAY!

Then I drift in another direction and think about how successful my reunion is compared to others and I feel selfish again, but the inner dialog continues… and I fight with myself more. I am super tentative about discussing adoption now. Anytime I have solicited advice or opinions on the subject, by the end of the conversation I feel as if I’ve been impaled with a knife. I am so defensive. I get mortally offended, wounded. I immediately regret it, almost every time. Why?! Because I DO feel entitled and empowered to have wants and needs, but every one makes me feel like I’m selfish. After all, I gave up everything when I signed away my parental rights (make sure you shake your finger in my face when repeating that line, for full effect).

Yes, I still would have searched and I am still glad I did. And I wouldn’t have found her without your helpful advice/suggestions, Suz. People have to take responsibility for their decisions, even when the net results equals pain. We all asked for your help and we all had knew there was potential for chaos down that road. I know when you offered to help me the first time I retreated and you let me.