Six Years Later

Today is the sixth anniversary of finding my daughter.

Amazing to me to reflect how things have changed so drastically in six years. My feelings are totally different, my relatinship is totally different, my home, my job, my life, the approach I take with my sons in regards to their sister, the expectations I have, the amount of time I spending thinking about her, the “box”, and more. I am far less involved in adoption blogs and search and reunion.

My own experience has taught me a great deal with the most insightful lesson probably being the one that taught me how to pull back on the throttle and slow down and look at my life OUSTIDE of adoption trauma. 

There are people, children, good wonderful souls that do care about me, that make me very happy. I learned to spend more time with the positive aspects of my life and less with the negative. I learned to step out of the shadow of others and into my own light. I learned that I matter, I am good, I am loving, honest, caring, and much more. I took the sharp pieces of my shattered heart and put them back into the sucking chest wound where my heart once was and I moved forward.  I have lost nearly 60 pounds, re-enrolled into college, quit a horrible job and found a wonderful one and blossomed. I found an amazing partner that suports me in ways I never imagined. I purchased an eclectic home that I find hard to leave as there is so much creativity and love bouncing off the walls.

I learned that while my life will always be negatively effected by adoption, that I will never stop missing my daughter or wanting to know her,  I have the power to minimize the negative pains by introducing loads of positive things. I took my head out of the dark, stopping ingesting the herd mentality and I looked toward the light.

I am glad I did. I am thankful for all that have helped me along the way. From my friends at ehbabes, to my adoptive mom friends to my maternity home friends. I am even thankful for the angry people on the internet that trolled my blog, sent me scathing comments, called me barfmother, told me my daughter was better off without me.  I am thankful to them for they taught me that I dont want to spend the rest of my life swimming in a stew of adoption hate. They taught me that I want to be better than them and that the path to healthy thoughts — for me – is to hang out with people that are healthier and more positive than I am, not the reverse.  My grandfather used to say “show me who your friends and I will tell you who you are”. So very true. Years ago Grampa would have told me I was an angry, bitter, sad person hanging out with the same type of people. That is no longer true (at least not to the extent it was in 2005). I have my dark moments, for sure, but I also have many many more light moments.

Your life is not determined by what happens to you. It is determined by what you do with what happens to do.

I happen to be doing very well.

Happy Anniversary, daughter. Love and miss you.

There is Only Love

Many thanks to all of you that commented here at the blog or wrote me privately about my finding out that my daughter is gay, queer, bi or whatever.  I say that because only she knows how she wants to classify herself and from what I read she does not like “bi-sexual” yet she does date men and women but does not say gay, lesbian or the like. The closest I have come is queer femme.

I must give a massive shout out to Thorn of MotherIssues for her insightful emails to me. My approach to things that are new and/or startle or upset me is to attack them intellectually first. I have a massive, almost overwhelming desire to UNDERSTAND something first, for it to make logical sense to me,  and then I let the emotional side of things join the party. Thorn was able to give me the perfect blend of academic/theory explanations mixed with compassion and caring . She also had understanding of the complexities of the situation for me.  Exactly what I want to be for my daughter. Educated yet compassionate.

While I dont judge alternative lifestyles, I admit I dont necessarily understand them either. If my child is leading one for now or forever, I want to understand it so that I never judge it. Does that make sense?  In my experience most judgement comes from a place of fear and lack of knowledge (or those lovely things called gods and religions). I have no fear of becoming gay, no fear that my sons will (and if they do, so what) no fear that my daughters choices in partners will somehow change my life.  I do admit to a lack of knowledge on “queer theory”, on what it feels like to be a LGBTQIA in the US, what it feels like to come out, to question your sexual identity, and more. That lack of knowledge could easily make me judgemental or lack compassion. I dont ever want to be that way. For that very reason I found myself tremendously grateful to those who shared their personal experiences with me.

I do want to openly answer a question sent to me privately via email.  The question was:

“DO I blame myself for my daughter being gay?”

I will admit to laughing at the question upon my initial read and then answering, out loud, to myself in my dining room “hell no”.  To suggest there is a need to “blame” someone is to me, again, to suggest there is something WRONG with being gay and therefore someone, anyone (me, her, her adoptive parents, those women who seduced her, those men who failed her, etc.) should accept blame and even perhaps be punished.

There is no blame to be had.

I encourage anyone interested to once again listen to Matthew West’s Song “There’s Only Grace”.  Better yet, watch the this video on youtube. (Yes, shockingly, its a religious song…and that generally makes me vomit a bit in my throat but this song..the lyrics..must be heard and felt .. regardless of the religious overtones..just skip over all that sin stuff and the fact he is a christian singer..assuming that bugs you).

For my daughter, for her choices, for her life, there is only grace, only love.