Happening for a Reason

Stumbled across a superb posting  on grief today. Hat tip to Susie.

So much to chew on here.

“Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. “

“There’s a lot of “take responsibility” platitudes in the personal development space, and they are largely nonsense. People tell others to take responsibility when they don’t want to understand.”

“Because understanding is harder than posturing. Telling someone to “take responsibility” for their loss is a form of benevolent masturbation. It’s the inverse of inspirational porn: it’s sanctimonious porn.”

“Personal responsibility implies that there’s something to take responsibility for. You don’t take responsibility for being raped or losing your child. You take responsibility for how you choose to live in the wake of the horrors that confront you, but you don’t choose whether you grieve. We’re not that smart or powerful. When hell visits us, we don’t get to escape grieving.”

“So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, let them go.”

All quotes from the post Everything Does Not Happen for a Reason. I recommend you read it.

10 Years Since I Found Her

Today is the 10 year anniversary of finding my daughter.  In reflecting I recall an arch of excitement, hope, fear, anxiety followed by disappointment, anger, sadness.

These days the primary emotion is a dull weight of  sadness. No longer do I suffer the extreme emotions. There is just a dull presence, always dragging me a bit slower than I want to be, distracting my thoughts at times I am trying to think of other things.  I still suffer nightmares, a teeny bit of depression and can still be easily triggered.  Mostly, its just this dull sadness.  A paperweight on my soul.

That being said, I have no regrets in finding her. While I still wish she had wanted to know me, I realize I have more than many mothers still searching desperately to know the status of their children.

I still smile and remember the frenzy of that day, phone calls with my sister, emails and phone calls with Jean (who dug up my daughters college email), falling off my chair at work and vomiting and crying in the ladies room at work. I remember her first email back to me, short, cool, matter of fact.  The waiting for the next email, the upset stomach for days, the racing thoughts and inability to focus on my daily life.  Long ago yet still yesterday.

Happy anniversary to me.

 

Happy 29th Birthday!

Today is her 29th birthday.

29.

I find it hard to believe yet I also struggle with the fact my second child will soon be 18. Kids do grow up so fast.

I hope she has a happy day with friends and family she loves.

It has been a few years since I did anything for her birthday (donations, dedications, gifts to her). I do not plan to do anything today.

That is a good thing. The days of spending my day in bed, planting trees, holding a snot rag and grasping for walls have passed. Today is much like Mother’s Day was a few days back. The emotional intensity over the loss of her and lack of reunion with her is gone. Resting in the place I now find a dull sadness.

Happy Birthday.

Read the posts that show up beneath this one in Related Posts to see how things used to be.