Helping a First Father

Recently made contact with a first father who had registered with ehbabes.com.  His first child, the adoptee (now an adult),  also contacted me and I connected them through email. While I was doing that the adoptee found her father on her own and contacted him. He has responded indicating he would like to know her and there is dead air. She reached out to him, he responds, she retreats. It has been some a few days and he is on pins and needles and wanting to write her again, worried he went to her spam, afraid she is upset, wont write back and more.

Those of us living this for years know this all to well. We also know while he is feeling frenetic and anxious and wanting to do something or make contact, the cards are not his to play.  He seems like a really wonderful man. Would you consider offering him your support, encouragement or wisdom? This is all very new to him. It might help him to hear from others how they handled this. By this I mean contact, pullback, early reunion anxiety, and the like.  If you are a first dad yourself, even better. (Whatever happened to my Dad readers? Miss haring from you guys.)

Leave your comments below and I will direct him here to read.

Thank you.

Second-Chance Mother Released in Ebook

Second-Chance Mother

Congrats to my friend Denise on the release of her book, currently in e-book format.

Excerpt below taken from Smashwords site.

“What should have been a mother’s greatest joy—reuniting with the son she’d relinquished for adoption 25 years before—became her utmost challenge. Follow the author into the emotional black hole of lost time, connection, and self-worth, as she struggles to restore her bond with her grown son, uncover her mother’s secret past, and reclaim the woman she was meant to be…”

 Read about it and more importantly, buy it, here.

Six Years Later

Today is the sixth anniversary of finding my daughter.

Amazing to me to reflect how things have changed so drastically in six years. My feelings are totally different, my relatinship is totally different, my home, my job, my life, the approach I take with my sons in regards to their sister, the expectations I have, the amount of time I spending thinking about her, the “box”, and more. I am far less involved in adoption blogs and search and reunion.

My own experience has taught me a great deal with the most insightful lesson probably being the one that taught me how to pull back on the throttle and slow down and look at my life OUSTIDE of adoption trauma. 

There are people, children, good wonderful souls that do care about me, that make me very happy. I learned to spend more time with the positive aspects of my life and less with the negative. I learned to step out of the shadow of others and into my own light. I learned that I matter, I am good, I am loving, honest, caring, and much more. I took the sharp pieces of my shattered heart and put them back into the sucking chest wound where my heart once was and I moved forward.  I have lost nearly 60 pounds, re-enrolled into college, quit a horrible job and found a wonderful one and blossomed. I found an amazing partner that suports me in ways I never imagined. I purchased an eclectic home that I find hard to leave as there is so much creativity and love bouncing off the walls.

I learned that while my life will always be negatively effected by adoption, that I will never stop missing my daughter or wanting to know her,  I have the power to minimize the negative pains by introducing loads of positive things. I took my head out of the dark, stopping ingesting the herd mentality and I looked toward the light.

I am glad I did. I am thankful for all that have helped me along the way. From my friends at ehbabes, to my adoptive mom friends to my maternity home friends. I am even thankful for the angry people on the internet that trolled my blog, sent me scathing comments, called me barfmother, told me my daughter was better off without me.  I am thankful to them for they taught me that I dont want to spend the rest of my life swimming in a stew of adoption hate. They taught me that I want to be better than them and that the path to healthy thoughts — for me – is to hang out with people that are healthier and more positive than I am, not the reverse.  My grandfather used to say “show me who your friends and I will tell you who you are”. So very true. Years ago Grampa would have told me I was an angry, bitter, sad person hanging out with the same type of people. That is no longer true (at least not to the extent it was in 2005). I have my dark moments, for sure, but I also have many many more light moments.

Your life is not determined by what happens to you. It is determined by what you do with what happens to do.

I happen to be doing very well.

Happy Anniversary, daughter. Love and miss you.