The (W)Reckoning

This is not the type of song you might find related to adoption. It is not so much the song, or the beat, or the lyrics (although I like all aspects). Rather, it is the idea of a Reckoning that resonates with me.

I go through a daily reckoning in relation to adoption. I have been meaning to write about this practice for sometime and yet the words have not yet fully formed. Will leave you with the idea as a teaser for a post to come and also the song that brings it to mind.

For those that watch Orange Is The New Black, yes, that is Pennsatucky, also known as Taryn Manning from the band Boomkat. She has also appeared in the show Sons of Anarchy.

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In Another Universe

Self explanatory (and still makes me burst into tears).

This came out a month after my daughter was born and given to strangers.

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Sleeping with Ghosts

Adoption trauma, the associated disenfranchised grief, penetrated many aspects of my life. My first marriage is an example. I married for the wrong reasons, in the wrong state of mind, with a tremendous amount of unresolved feelings towards my daughters father.

When I became aware of the depth, I attempted to work them through with my first husband but the issues grafted themselves onto other issues in our marriage and it was too much for us to get passed.

This song, by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, rang in my head for years during my marriage. The line “I got arms to hold me every night but I am still sleeping with a ghost” is most powerful for me.

I slept with the ghost of my daughters father for over 20 years. My first husband did too. Only he was not aware until the end of our marriage, far too late for us to arrange for the emotional equivalent of Ed and Lorraine Warren.  This ghost wouldl not be banished until our marriage ended and I continued my own therapy (and met a man that could accept — and love — all of me, not just the parts that made him comfortable).

If you don’t know Grace Potter, I def recommend you look up her other tunes.

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