Writing without Sharing

[dropcap]M[/dropcap]other and Open Adoption blogger, Jenna, poses some interesting questions in her recent post On Tweens, Teens, Adoption, and Parent Blogging.

Resonated with me as one of the reasons my blogging became stale over the years is I did not know how to bridge the gap between my story and my daughters story. Every adoption blogger knows (well, at least every first mother one) sharing their child’s story is against The Rules. How do I say how I feel about something if I am not allowed to say what triggered that feeling? I could not figure it out so I stoppped writing as prolifically as I once did.

As I mentioned in Jenna’s post, I went looking for guidance on this. I joined memoir groups, an in person writing group, I read the books and blogs of others. Despite my thinking I was a reasoanbly skilled writer, I could not figure how to accomplish the goal. My story and hers are intertwined (much to her chagrin). I resolved myself to the idea that either a) I am not capable of doing so or b) it is not time for me to do so.

Read Jenna’s post at her blog. If you have any thoughts on how to write/get support without violating the sacred rule of sharing another persons story, share that below.

7 Thoughts.

  1. Love to you, friend.

    I’m working on figuring out this hurdle myself right now regarding adoption. (Though, lord, I’d love some guidance on parenting tween boys too, omg.) I’ve been saying I’ll figure it out for a few years now… so maybe it’s time I do. I’ve had some stop-starts on the blog. I mean, even the fact that I’m writing anything about adoption anywhere is a step forward for me after all that happened.

  2. I’m right there with you guys. I’ve started several new blog posts, but I always get to a point where I realize I’m sharing too much that is Christopher’s story. Or what I’m writing makes assumptions on his part that may or may not be correct. So for now, I’m left not sharing any of it ~

  3. Well, this is all very interesting as how do we write about “our” story without connecting with our child’s story? And what about when the writing role is reversed and, in addition, the story is not only bogus but portrays the one written about as a “momster” which happened to me. It’s been 8 years since my discovery, and I’m finally making headway in terms of putting it behind me and covering up the scars.

    • Hi Gail! Happy new year!

      Your story is one of the most egregious examples I am aware of. It is one thing to write your feelings about a truthful situation and risk hurting someone but to write scathing fiction and position it as true is an entirely different matter.

  4. I was fortunate, since when I began writing my book that he said he didn’t need to read it, was okay with whatever I told. I offered him a copy of the draft later, and he said, no thanks, that’s fine. He said he didn’t like to read. Once it was published, I gave him a copy. He didn’t read beyond the first 10 pages, still said whatever I wrote was fine. Imagine a narcissist not being interesting in what someone else wrote about them! My book did bite him the butt a couple of times. His girlfriend/fiancee read it and called him out on a few lies he told her. He then told the truth, and she let it go. When he reunited with his father and family, his aunt read it, and got a little worried about meeting him. I assuaged her fears, told her that he is much better than he was in those early times. Still, he doesn’t care what is in my book. Again, I’m lucky. I imagine that a lot of adoptees or mothers, whoever is being written about, might object to what has been written about them. But they could write their story! I know of a couple of cases where mother and child are writing or have written their story together. If anyone wants to know about those, I’ll look in my library and wrack my brain to provide those titles. In the end, I think it’s fair for anyone to write their side, as long as they don’t try to interpret their other’s side. Although that could still cause problems in reunion.

  5. Hi Suz,

    Happy New Year to you too! I think of you and Rich often along with the fun time we had at the wedding. I hope we can get together again in Chicago one of these days. On a positive note, my daughter and I have been sharing time together and our relationship seems to be on the upswing. She’s in a happy place herself now with a new boyfriend who treats her quite well. So I’m looking forward to a better, more peaceful future.

    • I am so happy to hear that Gail! Happy for you and your daughter. Even with what happened, I knew from talking with both of you over the years there was a desire to try and work through it all. Kudos to both of you for doing so. You are both an inspiration.

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