I have been devouring Megan Devine lately. I want to share her with you.
Mothers who have lost children to adoption, who grieve today despite losing their child over 30 years ago, and even those who lost their child yesterday may find something good here.
I am surprised with how much Megan’s views have touched me. I am 30 years post the forced surrender of my child. I have had years and years of therapy. I found her. I had other children. I have a good life and good job and yet still, daily, hourly, every second of the day I am find myself sad about the loss of her and her rejection of reunion. These days I feel I am grieving more the loss of reunion than I am the loss of her.
I am not sure. It might be both.
I believe I am okay and then events transpire that send me spiraling back into the abyss of pain and loss and I realize I am not as okay as I thought.
Megan Devine is the latest balm to soothe me. Her words assure me that it okay to not be okay with my daughters adoption, her refusal to know me. It is okay to still be sad thirty years later. Megan’s writing validates my personal belief that I will never be okay with the loss of my daughter. I will never be “healed” (least not in the way others in adoption want me to be). And as Megan says, that is okay.
There is nothing wrong with me or my ability to function as a contributing member of society merely because I am sad every day over the loss of my child.
Some thoughts from Megan Devine:
“When you hear the pain of the world, it’s not a call to overcome it – it’s not a call to overcome anything. When you hear the pain of the world, it’s a call to love.”
“Why is it that when we speak the truth about what hurts, we’re deemed angry or too negative or not evolved enough?”
“Pain deserves acknowledgement, not repair. We need to start telling new stories about bravery in the face of pain that can’t be fixed.”
“We don’t need new tools for how to get out of grief, we need to learn the skills for how to withstand it. We need to learn to bear witness.”
“The path of bearing witness is the true path of love. You are not helpless in the face of someone’s pain. Hearing someone’s pain and letting them have it is an amazing gift.”